After the incident that traumatised me much, life went on pretty much normal. However, I did not realise that I was never quite the same again. I started to doubt myself and anything that was work-related would make me paranoid. I did not bother much about it until the following year when the fear I had eventually caused me to have serious anxiety attacks.
The following year was a tough year for me. My form class students were bright but many had behaviourial problems. There was never a day which there were no behaviourial issues in my class. Parents were relatively much more demanding than the previous years and I felt that everything I did with my class, was under their scrutiny. It was like anytime, a parent might just shoot an email to the school. Managing the class, coupled with teaching the syllabus, marking and other responsibilities eventually made me doubt my self-worth. But I really did my best for the class to resolve any issues. I really did. It came to a point whereby I was so helpless and started asking myself, “What more could I do? It seems that whatever I do is never enough. I am never enough."
Eventually, I started getting paranoid over my work. E.g. I knew I had sent a work email. When my colleague asked me about it, I would think that I did not do it or forgot about it but in fact, I had already sent the email. And if I really forgot something, I would self blame. Why didn't I remember to do this? Why am I like that? Why didn't I do enough? Without myself knowing, I was sinking deeper into this sea of self doubts. I didn't see myself as a good teacher. MY BEST WOULD NEVER BE ENOUGH.
So how did I even realise I had anxiety attacks?
It was my husband who started to notice the changes in me. I would lash out at my two young children on weekends, Sundays in particular. I also got defensive over minor mistakes I made at home. I started feeling breathless on EVERY Sunday evenings, around 5 pm onwards and the breathlessness would be at its peak at about 8 to 9 pm. These symptoms got worse when my kids threw tantrums which I found it exhausting to manage. The breathlessness could be so bad that at times, I wanted to end my life in order to stop the pain. My husband sat me down one night and spoke to me and asked me if I was feeling stressed at work. I told him that I didn't know. But I did tell him I felt suicidal many times. Sometimes I would look down from my house window and asked myself how I would look if I just jumped down. Most likely, I might not even die because I stayed at the third level. I could just very well be paralysed. But the view from my window was so good. It seemed so peaceful. It has the peace that I longed for. When the wind blew against my face, I would tell myself how good it would be if I just join the wind. But I usually snap out of it when I hear my children calling me.
After some talks with my husband, it seemed that the incident coupled with work stress that year caused me to be in an unstable psychological state. I decided to seek professional help. I booked an appointment at KKH to see a psychiatrist. That was during end May or during the June holidays. After an hour session with the psychiatrist, she diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. I remembered my tears came flowing like a tap as she asked for details about the incident and what I was going through. She prescribed me with relaxants to help me out with my anxiety attacks.
Relaxants did help me but only to a certain extent. They were taken only if I had a really bad anxiety attack. I tried my best at times not to take them and to just wait for my anxiety attacks to go away. BUT THE WAIT WAS EXCRUCIATING PAINFUL. And the psychiatrist told me not to take it too often as my body could be reliant on the relaxants. I also saw a psychologist as I wanted to learn some coping strategies to deal with the current situation. However, it was hard to keep up with my medical appointments due to a busy work schedule. I had to see my psychiatrist every three weeks and psychologist every three weeks. WHERE GOT TIME?????
Besides dealing with the breathlessness, I could not accept my condition which was the most painful thing and I could not understand why I could not get over the incident. Why am I still clinging on to the fear and panic? Why am I so weak? Why is it that I cannot stand up again? Why do I have anxiety attacks? Why can't they just go away and leave me alone? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. It is so easy to tell myself to let go. It is so easy to tell myself not to beat myself over it. BUT I JUST CAN'T. I know many people would tell me to just let it go. BUT HOW??? It's like telling a person who has fractured his leg to run. The person can't run, can he? I was helpless. And relaxants could only help to relieve that moment of pain.
It took me about 3 months to accept my condition with lots of family support and encouragement. That is only acceptance and I have not even gone into treatment yet. Who would have imagined what emotional disorders can do to you? I did not know how to tell my parents about it as I was afraid they would not understand. Eventually, my sister helped me with it and my family eventually knew. Initially, I told no one except my family and two of my very close colleagues. I was afraid. I was afraid of being judged. I still had suicidal thoughts at that time. I even googled how much paracetamol I could take to end my life - it was 16 tablets by the way. There were a few times I pulled out my medicine drawer but to close it back eventually. Once, I even told my husband to keep the medicines out of my reach because I was having a severe anxiety attack.
By the time it was September, I told a few colleagues who were sitting around me about my condition. I started to feel breathless in school sometimes. In case I had an anxiety attack, they know what was happening. One of the most vivid attacks was the night of the day of the September holidays. Breathlessness came. I could not remember if I took my relaxants. But I just could not bring myself to go to work. I saw my GP the next day and he gave me two days MC. I reported to work on a Wednesday at about 5.30 am in the morning. No one was in the staff room. I made sure I was the earliest. I passed the school gates with sweaty palms and my heart pounding against my chest. I took deep breaths to calm myself down as I entered the lift. When I opened the door of the staff room, it was pitch dark. I switched on the lights and walked briskly to my table. My hands held onto my table tightly and I broke into choking sobs. Tears came down uncontrollably. I took time to cry and settled down just in time for other colleagues to come into the staff room without seeing me in tears.
I started to get very scared of the last day of school which means distributing result slips. I would always expect that my students would come to me to tell me that their marks are entered wrongly. I was so afraid to the extent that I excused myself from a meeting to go to the toilet to cry. I wanted to go home. I called my husband. He told me that everything would be okay. The result slips would be okay. "When you have finished crying and ready, leave the toilet and go back to the meeting. You will be okay.” And I did just that. And the result slips were really okay.
At the end of the year, I shared about my anxiety attacks with a few colleagues. They told me that they did not expect that this could happen to me as I was always so cheerful, bubbly and always laughing. And one of them said that she had heard of anxiety attacks but never had someone she knew who experienced it. I was sharing with them for awareness. People who have emotional disorders do not have it written on their faces. They look normal and could still be smiling but suffering inside. They are trying to cheer up but they just can't. And now I could understand almost totally what these people are going through. It is not that they didn't want to get well. They are trying their best to get well.
My emotional struggles were more than this long read. It was much much more as I even tried taking anti-depressants for about 2 months to control my condition. Eventually, with my sister's encouragement, I transferred school so that I could start anew. I was happy there. And I got back a bit of my self-worth. It was my form class kids in the new school that made me realise that I was enough. And I could never thank them enough for their 35 little hearts to almost fully heal one broken heart of mine.
*As I am putting this down, I am glad that my tears did not pour like yesterday. I smiled as I wrote the last paragraph. I know I am getting better.*
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
The day that started it all
It was the last day of school. I have a pile of report books which I was getting ready to distribute to my form class. I made sure my signature was there and no errors in the remarks. I got ready the result slips that were bundled with a rubber band. Students are usually excited about receiving their result slips because they are curious what the teacher have written for their remarks. The report book signals the end of the semester and it is one the important items that students bring home to show their parents.
A few students have been informed earlier to carry the report books to the classroom. Whoever was being selected would feel so privileged to be chosen but it was mainly just an opportunity to get out of the classroom. And how many others would be so envious of that. I had a wonderful class that year. The students although not cream of the crop, were teachable and pleasant kids. And eventually, we formed a strong bond that allowed me to help and guide them in their final year in Primary school.
I distributed the report books and result slips. Usually, I get the students to slot the result slips in the pockets on their own. I mean, I have been doing this like almost 10 years that it has become the SOP for the last day of school. After which, I would remind them to get their parents to sign and to bring the report books back in Term 3. The kids were buzzing around after receiving their blue books with the updated editions when one student approached me.
“Mdm Hoi, there is an error in my English marks."
What? Again? It is common that teachers do sometimes type the marks wrongly, especially if there are errors in the marking and it could be confusing to change the marks in the system.
"Alright, I will check for you." I would have to approach my colleague for help to unlock the system to edit the marks for that kid. Sometimes, it happens but it is not a major problem if it is just a small error.
Another kid then came to me. “Mdm Hoi, my English marks are wrong." WTS!!! Another one? And one by one, the kids highlighted that their English marks are all wrong! Which means whole class is affected!!! I started to PANIC. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I'M IN DEEP SHIT. HOW??? WHY?? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHO DO I LOOK FOR HELP? WHAT IS MISSING FROM THEIR MARKS?
I was really in a state of panic but I had to remain calm in front of my class. I collected their result slips and I told them I will double check and get it fixed. I HAD TO GET IT FIXED NO MATTER WHAT. It was already the last day of school and the students would not be in school the next day. So I had only like two hours or so to rectify their marks and get their result slips reprinted. But I need my colleague's help to do that as only a few of them have the rights to unlock the system to make changes to the grades. And I need to know what is missing in their marks. I remembered I keyed in everything. Whole class affected means top management will be informed - principal and vice-principal will know of it. It is a big mistake. Any mistakes that are exam-related are BIG MISTAKES.
At that moment, I just wanted to fix the grades and to ensure that the marks are accurately reflected on the result slips. I texted my colleague to let him know of the situation. He was very very nice. He helped me check and he told me the marks from one section of the English paper was missing. WHY??? I THOUGHT I KEYED IN EVERYTHING?? He then told me to pass him the mark sheet with the correct marks. My heart was beating like crazy. My hands were trembling. I was SO SCARED. I WAS VERY VERY VERY SCARED AND I FELT REALLY VERY BAD FOR MY COLLEAGUE WHO HAD TO DO EXTRA WORK BECAUSE OF ME.
I rushed to my office table. I searched for the mark sheet for their section of the English paper. I knew I had it. I placed all the hardcopies of the mark sheets in a clear folder as backup. I searched my table and cupboard but I could not find that clear folder. WHERE DID MY FOLDER GO? I remembered that it was in the cupboard behind my chair but I just could not find it. SHIT. My heart thumped even harder that I almost fainted at that moment. I remembered I kinda saw stars here and there. My clothes were soaked with perspiration. Yes, I panicked so much that I did not realise that I broke out in cold sweat.
I was lost. I had no choice but to look for my HOD because most probably she might have the mark sheet for every level. I felt so embarrassed to tell her the situation I was in. I just felt bad that I had to trouble others because of my mistake. I was thankful that my HOD did not question me about what had happened but dived into helping me to solve my problem. She managed to find the mark sheet that I needed and I went ahead to rectify the marks in the system. Because of the situation, my HOD had to find time to look for the mark sheet and the other colleague sacrificed his free teaching periods to help me to unlock the system and did what he could to help me.
FINALLY, IT WAS DONE.
The new result slips were reprinted and distributed to the class. But my colleague told me, "As the whole class is affected, I am very sorry I have to report this to HOD and management," he said. I told him that it was okay. As long as the class got their new result slips, whatever happens after that is not an issue. At least I won't have parents complaining about me.
After class ended, I went back to my table and I was still perspiring badly. But I was really relieved that everything was over. I opened my cupboard and there it was, the folder that I was looking for was staring right in front of me. Where did it go just now? Then, I realised that I was in such a panic that I did not even see the folder with the mark sheets inside. I felt so stupid.
A few days after the incident, my supervisor (also a teacher) came over and told me that my promotion bonus in the following year will be affected due to this mistake. I don't really bother about bonus actually. I don't even keep track of the amount I had in the past years. She told me to be careful the next time when keying in marks. I was thankful that she gave me that support still.
However, I knew that many colleagues would soon get to know of this incident.
When the school holidays started, teachers have to attend school still for meetings and subject reviews. I reported to school as usual with my colleagues. I remembered I saw the agenda for that day and one part of the agenda was allocated to the Exams Committee. During that time, my school had this practice of sharing with the teaching staff the actual mistakes related to examination matters e.g. examination procedures, errors in marks etc. They wouldn't mention the names of the staff who made those mistakes. BUT by then, people would have known who they were. Sure enough, my mistake was highlighted.
My heart started thumping when I saw that PowerPoint slide that mentioned my mistake. I felt so shameful to the point I really wanted to dig a hole somewhere to hide. As the colleague told the rest about the mistake, my mind was brought back to the incident again. I WANTED TO CRY. SUDDENLY, I FELT SCARED AND THERE WERE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I STARTED TO GET BREATHLESS. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. I felt I was dealing with the situation all over again. The panic and fear were eating me up.
But I kept my composure. I did not show it and I hid it well behind a strong front. I told myself it was already over. BUT IT WAS NEVER OVER. I still questioned myself how I could make such a mistake. An experienced teacher like me should not be making such mistakes. And because of my mistake, I gave others trouble and caused inconvenience.
I WOULD NEVER IMAGINED THAT I WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY THIS INCIDENT.
In months to come, I realised that this incident was the main cause of my anxiety attacks that I struggled with in the following year which I had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for my condition. I cried like buckets each time I talked about this incident, to my husband, my psychiatrist and psychologist and to my new supervisor in the following year. The panic and fear is still so real. Although time has allowed me to heal quite a fair bit, my tears were pouring as I typed this out. My hands are actually shaking and starting to feel numb. Every bit of the incident is still so vivid that I don't know how to make it fade away. But I know I cannot force it to fade as that will make me even more miserable.
On second thoughts, I don't understand why mistakes made had to be shared among the 100 over staff in the school. These incidents are like case studies to inform the rest so that the rest do not make the same mistakes. But do they even think of the individuals? I seriously think it might not have been so bad if it was not mentioned during the meeting. Having the mistake mentioned makes me feel that I have made an unforgivable mistake. My supervisor in the following year concluded that most likely there was no proper closure to the incident which left me feeling broken emotionally and psychologically. And subsequently, I started to get paranoid over small matters - if I have done them correctly. I started to doubt myself in many things that I do. Even things like booking hotels and air tickets for family holidays, I would double check once or twice every week that the dates are correct till the trip is over. I kept thinking that I have left out important information or keyed in the wrong information.
Taking in a deep breath...
Oh well... things are looking better after I have changed my teaching school. And since now I am on no-pay leave, I really hope I can take this time to get better.
A few students have been informed earlier to carry the report books to the classroom. Whoever was being selected would feel so privileged to be chosen but it was mainly just an opportunity to get out of the classroom. And how many others would be so envious of that. I had a wonderful class that year. The students although not cream of the crop, were teachable and pleasant kids. And eventually, we formed a strong bond that allowed me to help and guide them in their final year in Primary school.
I distributed the report books and result slips. Usually, I get the students to slot the result slips in the pockets on their own. I mean, I have been doing this like almost 10 years that it has become the SOP for the last day of school. After which, I would remind them to get their parents to sign and to bring the report books back in Term 3. The kids were buzzing around after receiving their blue books with the updated editions when one student approached me.
“Mdm Hoi, there is an error in my English marks."
What? Again? It is common that teachers do sometimes type the marks wrongly, especially if there are errors in the marking and it could be confusing to change the marks in the system.
"Alright, I will check for you." I would have to approach my colleague for help to unlock the system to edit the marks for that kid. Sometimes, it happens but it is not a major problem if it is just a small error.
Another kid then came to me. “Mdm Hoi, my English marks are wrong." WTS!!! Another one? And one by one, the kids highlighted that their English marks are all wrong! Which means whole class is affected!!! I started to PANIC. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I'M IN DEEP SHIT. HOW??? WHY?? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHO DO I LOOK FOR HELP? WHAT IS MISSING FROM THEIR MARKS?
I was really in a state of panic but I had to remain calm in front of my class. I collected their result slips and I told them I will double check and get it fixed. I HAD TO GET IT FIXED NO MATTER WHAT. It was already the last day of school and the students would not be in school the next day. So I had only like two hours or so to rectify their marks and get their result slips reprinted. But I need my colleague's help to do that as only a few of them have the rights to unlock the system to make changes to the grades. And I need to know what is missing in their marks. I remembered I keyed in everything. Whole class affected means top management will be informed - principal and vice-principal will know of it. It is a big mistake. Any mistakes that are exam-related are BIG MISTAKES.
At that moment, I just wanted to fix the grades and to ensure that the marks are accurately reflected on the result slips. I texted my colleague to let him know of the situation. He was very very nice. He helped me check and he told me the marks from one section of the English paper was missing. WHY??? I THOUGHT I KEYED IN EVERYTHING?? He then told me to pass him the mark sheet with the correct marks. My heart was beating like crazy. My hands were trembling. I was SO SCARED. I WAS VERY VERY VERY SCARED AND I FELT REALLY VERY BAD FOR MY COLLEAGUE WHO HAD TO DO EXTRA WORK BECAUSE OF ME.
I rushed to my office table. I searched for the mark sheet for their section of the English paper. I knew I had it. I placed all the hardcopies of the mark sheets in a clear folder as backup. I searched my table and cupboard but I could not find that clear folder. WHERE DID MY FOLDER GO? I remembered that it was in the cupboard behind my chair but I just could not find it. SHIT. My heart thumped even harder that I almost fainted at that moment. I remembered I kinda saw stars here and there. My clothes were soaked with perspiration. Yes, I panicked so much that I did not realise that I broke out in cold sweat.
I was lost. I had no choice but to look for my HOD because most probably she might have the mark sheet for every level. I felt so embarrassed to tell her the situation I was in. I just felt bad that I had to trouble others because of my mistake. I was thankful that my HOD did not question me about what had happened but dived into helping me to solve my problem. She managed to find the mark sheet that I needed and I went ahead to rectify the marks in the system. Because of the situation, my HOD had to find time to look for the mark sheet and the other colleague sacrificed his free teaching periods to help me to unlock the system and did what he could to help me.
FINALLY, IT WAS DONE.
The new result slips were reprinted and distributed to the class. But my colleague told me, "As the whole class is affected, I am very sorry I have to report this to HOD and management," he said. I told him that it was okay. As long as the class got their new result slips, whatever happens after that is not an issue. At least I won't have parents complaining about me.
After class ended, I went back to my table and I was still perspiring badly. But I was really relieved that everything was over. I opened my cupboard and there it was, the folder that I was looking for was staring right in front of me. Where did it go just now? Then, I realised that I was in such a panic that I did not even see the folder with the mark sheets inside. I felt so stupid.
A few days after the incident, my supervisor (also a teacher) came over and told me that my promotion bonus in the following year will be affected due to this mistake. I don't really bother about bonus actually. I don't even keep track of the amount I had in the past years. She told me to be careful the next time when keying in marks. I was thankful that she gave me that support still.
However, I knew that many colleagues would soon get to know of this incident.
When the school holidays started, teachers have to attend school still for meetings and subject reviews. I reported to school as usual with my colleagues. I remembered I saw the agenda for that day and one part of the agenda was allocated to the Exams Committee. During that time, my school had this practice of sharing with the teaching staff the actual mistakes related to examination matters e.g. examination procedures, errors in marks etc. They wouldn't mention the names of the staff who made those mistakes. BUT by then, people would have known who they were. Sure enough, my mistake was highlighted.
My heart started thumping when I saw that PowerPoint slide that mentioned my mistake. I felt so shameful to the point I really wanted to dig a hole somewhere to hide. As the colleague told the rest about the mistake, my mind was brought back to the incident again. I WANTED TO CRY. SUDDENLY, I FELT SCARED AND THERE WERE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I STARTED TO GET BREATHLESS. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. I felt I was dealing with the situation all over again. The panic and fear were eating me up.
But I kept my composure. I did not show it and I hid it well behind a strong front. I told myself it was already over. BUT IT WAS NEVER OVER. I still questioned myself how I could make such a mistake. An experienced teacher like me should not be making such mistakes. And because of my mistake, I gave others trouble and caused inconvenience.
I WOULD NEVER IMAGINED THAT I WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY THIS INCIDENT.
In months to come, I realised that this incident was the main cause of my anxiety attacks that I struggled with in the following year which I had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for my condition. I cried like buckets each time I talked about this incident, to my husband, my psychiatrist and psychologist and to my new supervisor in the following year. The panic and fear is still so real. Although time has allowed me to heal quite a fair bit, my tears were pouring as I typed this out. My hands are actually shaking and starting to feel numb. Every bit of the incident is still so vivid that I don't know how to make it fade away. But I know I cannot force it to fade as that will make me even more miserable.
On second thoughts, I don't understand why mistakes made had to be shared among the 100 over staff in the school. These incidents are like case studies to inform the rest so that the rest do not make the same mistakes. But do they even think of the individuals? I seriously think it might not have been so bad if it was not mentioned during the meeting. Having the mistake mentioned makes me feel that I have made an unforgivable mistake. My supervisor in the following year concluded that most likely there was no proper closure to the incident which left me feeling broken emotionally and psychologically. And subsequently, I started to get paranoid over small matters - if I have done them correctly. I started to doubt myself in many things that I do. Even things like booking hotels and air tickets for family holidays, I would double check once or twice every week that the dates are correct till the trip is over. I kept thinking that I have left out important information or keyed in the wrong information.
Taking in a deep breath...
Oh well... things are looking better after I have changed my teaching school. And since now I am on no-pay leave, I really hope I can take this time to get better.
Friday, December 19, 2014
In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love, with this ring I marry you.
Just that day, my hub came to me, looked into my eyes and said, "You shouldn't be going through this, I'm sorry." I was quite surprised what he had said to me and I just told him that everything is okay and told him not to be silly. So here are the events that led to our conversation that we had that day.
He quit his job in March 2014 to start his own e-commerce business. When he told me about this plan last year, I fully supported him and I told him, "As long as you have made sufficient plans about your finances after you have quit your job to start this, I'll support your venture. And it's the right time to do this as our little one is only 1. Not much $$$ is needed as she does not need to go to school." He was shocked that I gave the nod so willingly as he expected me to say no. He told me to give him a year to try it out. I knew he has always wanted to start his own business and has always been telling me about it during our dating days. He told me he was not afraid to fail. "Even if I have failed, I want to tell our daughter next time that Papa was brave enough to fulfill a dream and you should too." I admired my husband's courage and I feel that men should have that kind of courage to fulfill their dreams and to get out of their comfort zones.
Towards the end of last year, he was calculating how much I will need to pay for the monthly household expenses for 2014. I will have to hold the financial fort for 2014 as he will not be getting any salary. I knew I would be financially tight but luckily, our girl is not going to school yet so it was not that tough. We cut down our expenses, especially when we go out to eat. Dinner at restaurants was reduced and we try to keep our dinner bill to less than $30 or even $20 sometimes when we are out on a date (Thursdays is our dating day). Once in awhile, we would go to the restaurants and have nice meals with better ambience. My hub cut down his expenses a lot. He is more thrifty than me by nature so he really did not buy anything for himself for almost the whole year. We didn't get presents from each other on birthdays and I also did not expect any gifts from him. We would just go to a nice restaurant to celebrate our birthdays and enjoy each other's company and presence.
2014 was a tough year for the both of us. I was extremely busy with work. And I would usually fall asleep with my little one at 9 plus 10 because I would be so exhausted. My hub was always working till 3 am everyday setting up his business. Being your own boss is really not easy and there was just so many things he had to learn. Of course, he made blunders along the way and had to pick himself up to move on. Soon, we communicated less with each other, quarrelled a lot and we thought we should not even have number 2 because we could not even manage ourselves. It came to a point when I told him that there was something wrong with our marriage and we had to do something about it. Towards the third quarter of the year, we managed to work things out and we started to understand what each other is going through.
Why am I so tired? On top of my work, I had to assist him in his e-commerce business in photograph taking, deciding what stuff to sell, packing, labelling, stock-taking. It can take up a lot of time and I do get really really exhausted after helping him. But I tell myself, "If I don't help him, who could?" So sometimes even though I am really tried, I pushed myself to help him to the best of my ability, sometimes till wee hours. And I really lack a lot of sleep because of that.
So just 2 days ago, he told me he was sorry for putting me through these e.g. not being to always go to restaurants to have nice meals. And I know deep down in him, maybe he even thought that he could not take me for a holiday. The most recent place we went is Bangkok but it was more of a business trip for him as he had to source for supplies there. And we walked so much carrying 50 T-shirts and even more stuff around Chaktuchak market. I suffered severe leg pain after the trip. I admit I am sometimes envious of my friends who are able to go to Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan when I see the their photos on Facebook. But I am still happy with the way things are now. So I just told my hub that I don't need all these. I mean they are good to have and I didn't marry him because of these. I don't need him to buy branded bags for me, Pandora accessories (it's the 'in' thing now right?), take me to Atas restaurants etc. I am happy now because we are communicating well with each other, sharing our feelings and thoughts and spending sufficient time together. Well, I thought this is what marriage supposed to be, isn't it?
As I looked back at our marriage vows that we took when we had our ROM ceremony. There were no material needs stated in our vows. (We simple used the standard one from ROM, we didn't even had time to craft our own.) So I asked my hub what his answer was when he was asked, "Will you, Siew Tuck Wing take this woman Hoi Wan Hua to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?" He said yes. It was "I will". So I told him not to be disturbed by not giving me the material needs because he has never promised to. There is always a chance in the future if both of us want to give each other gifts. Good communication and understanding between a couple is always far more important than any material gift. (Well, I still told him to at least buy me a card for our wedding anniversary and writing something sweet inside la.)
Well, my hub might think that I am very 委屈 but seriously, I am thankful to him for always doing a lot of the household chores. Now he tells me, "Think of those reality tv shows which the mummies are not at home and the daddies take over to take care of the kids and do the chores, I'll definitely aced them!" He knows the amount of washing powder to add for different volume of clothes, changes the plastic bags in the rubbish bins, clears the fridge of unwanted or expired food, hangs the clothes to dry(although done not in a very good way but I close one eye), ensures there is constant supply of boiled water, reminds me to keep the clothes on the clothes rack after our part-time helper has ironed them etc.
People may think that I am too easily contented with life to the point maybe a bit stupid. Don't want this and that. But seriously, I already have enough (though I hope I stay in a bigger house so I can have a bigger wardrobe for my clothes, and I can earn more money to do my taobao shopping. hahaha). I have my family, an understanding and courageous husband who always talk cock and my little one who has brought us so much joy.
这就是幸福。
He quit his job in March 2014 to start his own e-commerce business. When he told me about this plan last year, I fully supported him and I told him, "As long as you have made sufficient plans about your finances after you have quit your job to start this, I'll support your venture. And it's the right time to do this as our little one is only 1. Not much $$$ is needed as she does not need to go to school." He was shocked that I gave the nod so willingly as he expected me to say no. He told me to give him a year to try it out. I knew he has always wanted to start his own business and has always been telling me about it during our dating days. He told me he was not afraid to fail. "Even if I have failed, I want to tell our daughter next time that Papa was brave enough to fulfill a dream and you should too." I admired my husband's courage and I feel that men should have that kind of courage to fulfill their dreams and to get out of their comfort zones.
Towards the end of last year, he was calculating how much I will need to pay for the monthly household expenses for 2014. I will have to hold the financial fort for 2014 as he will not be getting any salary. I knew I would be financially tight but luckily, our girl is not going to school yet so it was not that tough. We cut down our expenses, especially when we go out to eat. Dinner at restaurants was reduced and we try to keep our dinner bill to less than $30 or even $20 sometimes when we are out on a date (Thursdays is our dating day). Once in awhile, we would go to the restaurants and have nice meals with better ambience. My hub cut down his expenses a lot. He is more thrifty than me by nature so he really did not buy anything for himself for almost the whole year. We didn't get presents from each other on birthdays and I also did not expect any gifts from him. We would just go to a nice restaurant to celebrate our birthdays and enjoy each other's company and presence.
2014 was a tough year for the both of us. I was extremely busy with work. And I would usually fall asleep with my little one at 9 plus 10 because I would be so exhausted. My hub was always working till 3 am everyday setting up his business. Being your own boss is really not easy and there was just so many things he had to learn. Of course, he made blunders along the way and had to pick himself up to move on. Soon, we communicated less with each other, quarrelled a lot and we thought we should not even have number 2 because we could not even manage ourselves. It came to a point when I told him that there was something wrong with our marriage and we had to do something about it. Towards the third quarter of the year, we managed to work things out and we started to understand what each other is going through.
Why am I so tired? On top of my work, I had to assist him in his e-commerce business in photograph taking, deciding what stuff to sell, packing, labelling, stock-taking. It can take up a lot of time and I do get really really exhausted after helping him. But I tell myself, "If I don't help him, who could?" So sometimes even though I am really tried, I pushed myself to help him to the best of my ability, sometimes till wee hours. And I really lack a lot of sleep because of that.
So just 2 days ago, he told me he was sorry for putting me through these e.g. not being to always go to restaurants to have nice meals. And I know deep down in him, maybe he even thought that he could not take me for a holiday. The most recent place we went is Bangkok but it was more of a business trip for him as he had to source for supplies there. And we walked so much carrying 50 T-shirts and even more stuff around Chaktuchak market. I suffered severe leg pain after the trip. I admit I am sometimes envious of my friends who are able to go to Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan when I see the their photos on Facebook. But I am still happy with the way things are now. So I just told my hub that I don't need all these. I mean they are good to have and I didn't marry him because of these. I don't need him to buy branded bags for me, Pandora accessories (it's the 'in' thing now right?), take me to Atas restaurants etc. I am happy now because we are communicating well with each other, sharing our feelings and thoughts and spending sufficient time together. Well, I thought this is what marriage supposed to be, isn't it?
As I looked back at our marriage vows that we took when we had our ROM ceremony. There were no material needs stated in our vows. (We simple used the standard one from ROM, we didn't even had time to craft our own.) So I asked my hub what his answer was when he was asked, "Will you, Siew Tuck Wing take this woman Hoi Wan Hua to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?" He said yes. It was "I will". So I told him not to be disturbed by not giving me the material needs because he has never promised to. There is always a chance in the future if both of us want to give each other gifts. Good communication and understanding between a couple is always far more important than any material gift. (Well, I still told him to at least buy me a card for our wedding anniversary and writing something sweet inside la.)
Well, my hub might think that I am very 委屈 but seriously, I am thankful to him for always doing a lot of the household chores. Now he tells me, "Think of those reality tv shows which the mummies are not at home and the daddies take over to take care of the kids and do the chores, I'll definitely aced them!" He knows the amount of washing powder to add for different volume of clothes, changes the plastic bags in the rubbish bins, clears the fridge of unwanted or expired food, hangs the clothes to dry(although done not in a very good way but I close one eye), ensures there is constant supply of boiled water, reminds me to keep the clothes on the clothes rack after our part-time helper has ironed them etc.
People may think that I am too easily contented with life to the point maybe a bit stupid. Don't want this and that. But seriously, I already have enough (though I hope I stay in a bigger house so I can have a bigger wardrobe for my clothes, and I can earn more money to do my taobao shopping. hahaha). I have my family, an understanding and courageous husband who always talk cock and my little one who has brought us so much joy.
这就是幸福。
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER RIGHT NOW
I FEEL SO BAD! SO BAD! SO BAD!
This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place. My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place. Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.
I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends. After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.
I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.
When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying. She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.
This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place. My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place. Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.
I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends. After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.
I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.
When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying. She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
She's our daughter; She's our responsibility
Kel and I were having a discussion just now on how fast Yuxin is growing up and we were talking about how difficult she was as a baby. We then came a point whereby we were praising ourselves for being good parents as we did not have any help when Yuxin was a baby till she was 8 months old. As I quote from Kelvan, "No one was there for us when we REALLY needed help." And that I have to agree.
Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby. Hell came when the confinement lady left. I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY. I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash. What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out. Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.
Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming). We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out. We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours. We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS. Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work. Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore. I was not in a much better state either. I was always frustrated over breast-feeding. And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well. By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted. I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well. I would be crying for no reason as well. Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP. After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling. It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little. However, we were still not handling things well. There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.
We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left. After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house. On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home. I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months. Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up. When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night. Both of us no need to sleep. But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night. REALLY HARD WORK.
My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave. My mom is a very strong woman. She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either. Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her. So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me. Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."
As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help. We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house. So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby. When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes. So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours. Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest. But I don't have that luxury. Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.
Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home. Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries? And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any. Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby. 为什么别人这么好命？
After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one. It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside. Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday. However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday. However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home. I do have friends who ask me how I could do it. I don't know. I just do. ;p
Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin. She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian. When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away. Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night. Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.
Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help. It is a fact. But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us. It was a painful process. But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore." Yuxin sticks to me like glue. When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers. Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients. He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares. Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?" And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.
So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents. As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility. And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.
Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby. Hell came when the confinement lady left. I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY. I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash. What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out. Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.
Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming). We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out. We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours. We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS. Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work. Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore. I was not in a much better state either. I was always frustrated over breast-feeding. And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well. By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted. I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well. I would be crying for no reason as well. Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP. After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling. It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little. However, we were still not handling things well. There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.
We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left. After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house. On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home. I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months. Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up. When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night. Both of us no need to sleep. But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night. REALLY HARD WORK.
My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave. My mom is a very strong woman. She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either. Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her. So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me. Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."
As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help. We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house. So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby. When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes. So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours. Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest. But I don't have that luxury. Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.
Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home. Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries? And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any. Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby. 为什么别人这么好命？
After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one. It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside. Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday. However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday. However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home. I do have friends who ask me how I could do it. I don't know. I just do. ;p
Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin. She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian. When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away. Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night. Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.
Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help. It is a fact. But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us. It was a painful process. But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore." Yuxin sticks to me like glue. When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers. Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients. He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares. Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?" And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.
So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents. As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility. And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Motherhood is more than just breastfeeding
When I told my husband that I wanna blog about my breastfeeding experience, he was supportive and said that I should do so so that after reading my blog post, preggy mothers and mothers who had just given birth and couldn't breastfeed due to whatever reason would not feel that they are bad mothers. And to add that I am not anti-breastfeeding but not pro either. Regardless what others say about the super pros of breastfeeding, I believe it is up to personal preference to breastfeed and one should not be an extremist in bf and thus, putting stress on others about bf.
My experience might be slightly different from others. Most mothers can't breastfeed due to the lack of milk and some are really serious. No matter what they do(squeeze the breast till the tears come out or drinking tons of bowls of soup), there is just no milk. A few weeks after my first month, I took care of my baby alone. I don't have a maid(only a part-time maid to help me with the chores) and don't have anyone at home to help me. Thankfully after that, my hubby took 1 month leave to help me out.
But for me, I have the supply but not to the point that it is overflowing and I can't express milk anytime or between short periods of time. I can express about 80-100 ml by the time my girl was 1.5 months, sometimes even 130 ml. However, I do experience many bad days of insufficent milk. Usually, my girl will take breastmilk(bm) during the day and formula at night. I didn't want to go full bf because I want my girl to get used to drinking formula as well. I have heard horror stories of babies refusing all brands of formula because they are too used to drinking bm when they are much older. I express milk day and night and store them in the fridge and used them whenever my bb needs to feed. I wake up in the middle of the night to express as well. And I never use an electric pump. I use hand express because the sound of the electric pump is much TOO IRRITATING and it is SUPER DUPER SLOW.
So what is so horrid about this whole process? I FEEL LIKE A COW! MILKING MYSELF ALL DAY!
You express and express and express. You don't stop. Before you know it, your breasts are engorged and you have to let it out. Any delay will lead to engorgement. Sometimes, you don't have time to express it. Baby needs attention and sometimes it requires about an hour or so to settle her down due to problems like colic. You feel tired after she has calmed down, you wanna rest but you have to go express or else your life would be hell later with engorgement. Each hand express takes about 20 minutes. If I use an electric pump, it takes a longer time.
The worst thing is when you are expressing milk halfway, your baby starts to cry. So now what do I do? I AM ALONE. My milk is leaking but my baby is wailing. So I had to carry the bm bottles and run to my bb to see what is happening to her. I need my hands to express milk but no hands to carry the baby! When I carry her, my bm just leaked all over and what a waste! Two words to describe this - FRUSTRATING! and STRESSFUL!
When expressing becomes a problem(afraid baby will suddenly cry while I express), I try to latch my baby on but my girl does not get enough milk from me. When she doesn't get enough, she wails. And I had to quickly put on my clothes and rushed to the kitchen to make extra milk from formula for her. And while I prepare the milk, I can hear my baby wailing like crazy. By the time I get back to her, she is so upset that she refused to drink from the bottle. I was alone at home and I had no one to help me. I didn't know what to do and I just break down.
I had taken extended no pay leave from work to take care of my baby. When I started taking care of the baby after my confinement lady left, I started to regret taking leave. How am I going to last till June 2013??? It was only November 2012. I would pray that my hub will be back early everyday to help me with the baby. And thankfully, I have a very hands-on hub who will gladly take over when I am tired or when I get frustrated. However, I was always worried that I don't produce enough milk for my baby. Although I kept reminding myself that is okay to feed my baby formula, there is always this guilt that I am not doing enough as a mother. At night, my baby will start wailing from 11 pm to 3 am which lasted for about 2 months. I am very lucky that I have a hub who will help me out during this time and looking back, I do feel a little bad about it as he had to go to wake up at 7 plus to go work at 8. It was just CRAZY.
Then it came to December when my hub said that I was going into depression. Although my hub was around to help me in December, the whole breastfeeding thing was DRIVING ME NUTS. I seriously didn't enjoy a single bit of it. I kept telling myself that I have to just go on with it and not give up but soon, the conversation between my husband and I was always about my frustration with him not doing things right. And when my baby latched on and started wailing when she didn't get enough, I just didn't even want to look at her. Somehow, I felt that something was not right. She is my baby. I carried her for 9 months and love her so much. What was happening? My husband was so understanding with me but one day, he just told me that he really didn't know what I expect from him anymore because whatever he did, I just vented my frustration on him.
One day, my husband asked me, "Why don't you just consider giving her formula?" But my usual answer would be, "Breastmilk is better for her. I feel like a very bad mother if I even thought of giving her formula." My hub continued, "Why should you feel bad? We gave her everything. We bought a super nice cot for her to sleep comfortably in, buy her expensive diapers, take care of her when she is upset during the wee hours at night. You think about it, the Buddha says there must be a Middle Way to everything. Just because everyone is breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to follow. Now this whole breastfeeding thing is threatening your well-being. If you are not happy, how are you going to take care of her?" What he said struck me but it was still not the trigger factor for me to stop. I told myself I want to try. I don't want to be a bad mother.
It was that very morning that made me stop bf. My baby wanted milk and I latched her on since my breasts were feeling full. Right after she drank the milk, she started wailing and I got my hub to prepare some formula for her. She refused to drink from the bottle. I didn't know what to do with her and I just tried to burp her. After awhile, she vomited all her milk and continued wailing. I was already very very exhausted that morning. I had milk all over me, I was tired and I just didn't know what to do. Immediately, I passed my baby to my husband and said, “Take her away from me. I don't want to see her." I just cried. I started whatsapping my friend who also stopped breastfeeding after awhile. She was one of the few whom I could relate to because she didn't go with the breastfeeding hype. She told me, "If you are so unhappy, just take meds and stop. This whole breastfeeding thing is causing a strain in your relationship between you and your hub, causing you to not even enjoy your moment with your baby. You think about it. If you really want to stop, you have to be determined and just do it." After calming down, in order me to get back my sanity, I decided to make the tough decision to go to my gynae that afternoon to get the meds to stop the milk supply.
My husband supported my decision. I was still feeling bad for making such a decision but I told myself I had to do it. Once I got into the consultation room, my doc tried to persuade me to continue bfing. I told him I had tried my best and I lost the joy of having a baby due to breastfeeding. He prescribed the meds for me nevertheless.
I didn't take the meds until late evening at about 8 pm. I did not have the courage to take the meds but the thoughts of the horrible times I had with breastfeeding motivated me. Before I took the meds, I carried my girl and spoke to her, "I'm very sorry. Mommy cannot give you anymore and I'm really sorry. From tonight onwards, you will be drinking formula all the way. But I believe you will still grow up well." My tears just rolled down as I spoke to her. (Alright, as I was typing this out, I am still tearing and my girl is already going 8 months. I think till now, I still felt bad about it). And after that, I popped the pill. Seriously, it takes more courage to stop breastfeeding than to continue.
It was not over. I had to deal with super bad breast engorgement for the next few days to one week because I could not express the milk no matter how full my breasts felt. I had to let my body to stop producing milk. IT FELT LIKE HELL. I suffered from side effects from the meds and my hands were numb all day on the first 2 days. I couldn't sleep well and eat well due to the pain. But I told myself to endure and my hub took over baby duty for the next few days when he knew I was not feeling well. My friend kept encouraging me to just endure for a few days and after that, I will feel immense happiness.
FINALLY, IT ENDED.
No more expressing milk. No more latching on. No more anxiety disorder. No more crying. No more frustration. No more stress. No more depression.
More time to play with baby. More time to appreciate my baby. More time to look at my baby. More time to bond with husband. More time to love my husband and baby. MORE JOY.
Looking at my 8 month baby now, I am glad that I made the choice not to breastfeed. There might be people who might shoot me down and said that I should have continued and persisted. However, breastfeeding failed to bond my baby and me which it should. When I see my baby drinking formula, she still looked satisfied and happy and I began to see how beautiful and lovely she was.
As my baby grew, I realised that motherhood was more than breastfeeding. It was to give the baby lots of love, patience and understanding. Whenever she fuss or cries for no reason during the wee hours, my husband will remind me to show her lots of compassion because she does not know how to tell us what she is uncomfortable with. My aunt also said that the baby struggles with the first 3 months of his life because he had to learn so many things compared to his days in the mother's womb so we have to be very patient and encouraging.
Yes, my baby might not have all the antibodies that other breastfed babies have. My hub and I were prepared that she might fall sick more often than other babies. Well, falling sick also helps them to build up their immunity system right? But one thing we are sure is that she definitely gets all the love from my husband and me.
When expressing becomes a problem(afraid baby will suddenly cry while I express), I try to latch my baby on but my girl does not get enough milk from me. When she doesn't get enough, she wails. And I had to quickly put on my clothes and rushed to the kitchen to make extra milk from formula for her. And while I prepare the milk, I can hear my baby wailing like crazy. By the time I get back to her, she is so upset that she refused to drink from the bottle. I was alone at home and I had no one to help me. I didn't know what to do and I just break down.
I had taken extended no pay leave from work to take care of my baby. When I started taking care of the baby after my confinement lady left, I started to regret taking leave. How am I going to last till June 2013??? It was only November 2012. I would pray that my hub will be back early everyday to help me with the baby. And thankfully, I have a very hands-on hub who will gladly take over when I am tired or when I get frustrated. However, I was always worried that I don't produce enough milk for my baby. Although I kept reminding myself that is okay to feed my baby formula, there is always this guilt that I am not doing enough as a mother. At night, my baby will start wailing from 11 pm to 3 am which lasted for about 2 months. I am very lucky that I have a hub who will help me out during this time and looking back, I do feel a little bad about it as he had to go to wake up at 7 plus to go work at 8. It was just CRAZY.
Then it came to December when my hub said that I was going into depression. Although my hub was around to help me in December, the whole breastfeeding thing was DRIVING ME NUTS. I seriously didn't enjoy a single bit of it. I kept telling myself that I have to just go on with it and not give up but soon, the conversation between my husband and I was always about my frustration with him not doing things right. And when my baby latched on and started wailing when she didn't get enough, I just didn't even want to look at her. Somehow, I felt that something was not right. She is my baby. I carried her for 9 months and love her so much. What was happening? My husband was so understanding with me but one day, he just told me that he really didn't know what I expect from him anymore because whatever he did, I just vented my frustration on him.
One day, my husband asked me, "Why don't you just consider giving her formula?" But my usual answer would be, "Breastmilk is better for her. I feel like a very bad mother if I even thought of giving her formula." My hub continued, "Why should you feel bad? We gave her everything. We bought a super nice cot for her to sleep comfortably in, buy her expensive diapers, take care of her when she is upset during the wee hours at night. You think about it, the Buddha says there must be a Middle Way to everything. Just because everyone is breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to follow. Now this whole breastfeeding thing is threatening your well-being. If you are not happy, how are you going to take care of her?" What he said struck me but it was still not the trigger factor for me to stop. I told myself I want to try. I don't want to be a bad mother.
It was that very morning that made me stop bf. My baby wanted milk and I latched her on since my breasts were feeling full. Right after she drank the milk, she started wailing and I got my hub to prepare some formula for her. She refused to drink from the bottle. I didn't know what to do with her and I just tried to burp her. After awhile, she vomited all her milk and continued wailing. I was already very very exhausted that morning. I had milk all over me, I was tired and I just didn't know what to do. Immediately, I passed my baby to my husband and said, “Take her away from me. I don't want to see her." I just cried. I started whatsapping my friend who also stopped breastfeeding after awhile. She was one of the few whom I could relate to because she didn't go with the breastfeeding hype. She told me, "If you are so unhappy, just take meds and stop. This whole breastfeeding thing is causing a strain in your relationship between you and your hub, causing you to not even enjoy your moment with your baby. You think about it. If you really want to stop, you have to be determined and just do it." After calming down, in order me to get back my sanity, I decided to make the tough decision to go to my gynae that afternoon to get the meds to stop the milk supply.
My husband supported my decision. I was still feeling bad for making such a decision but I told myself I had to do it. Once I got into the consultation room, my doc tried to persuade me to continue bfing. I told him I had tried my best and I lost the joy of having a baby due to breastfeeding. He prescribed the meds for me nevertheless.
I didn't take the meds until late evening at about 8 pm. I did not have the courage to take the meds but the thoughts of the horrible times I had with breastfeeding motivated me. Before I took the meds, I carried my girl and spoke to her, "I'm very sorry. Mommy cannot give you anymore and I'm really sorry. From tonight onwards, you will be drinking formula all the way. But I believe you will still grow up well." My tears just rolled down as I spoke to her. (Alright, as I was typing this out, I am still tearing and my girl is already going 8 months. I think till now, I still felt bad about it). And after that, I popped the pill. Seriously, it takes more courage to stop breastfeeding than to continue.
It was not over. I had to deal with super bad breast engorgement for the next few days to one week because I could not express the milk no matter how full my breasts felt. I had to let my body to stop producing milk. IT FELT LIKE HELL. I suffered from side effects from the meds and my hands were numb all day on the first 2 days. I couldn't sleep well and eat well due to the pain. But I told myself to endure and my hub took over baby duty for the next few days when he knew I was not feeling well. My friend kept encouraging me to just endure for a few days and after that, I will feel immense happiness.
FINALLY, IT ENDED.
No more expressing milk. No more latching on. No more anxiety disorder. No more crying. No more frustration. No more stress. No more depression.
More time to play with baby. More time to appreciate my baby. More time to look at my baby. More time to bond with husband. More time to love my husband and baby. MORE JOY.
Looking at my 8 month baby now, I am glad that I made the choice not to breastfeed. There might be people who might shoot me down and said that I should have continued and persisted. However, breastfeeding failed to bond my baby and me which it should. When I see my baby drinking formula, she still looked satisfied and happy and I began to see how beautiful and lovely she was.
As my baby grew, I realised that motherhood was more than breastfeeding. It was to give the baby lots of love, patience and understanding. Whenever she fuss or cries for no reason during the wee hours, my husband will remind me to show her lots of compassion because she does not know how to tell us what she is uncomfortable with. My aunt also said that the baby struggles with the first 3 months of his life because he had to learn so many things compared to his days in the mother's womb so we have to be very patient and encouraging.
Yes, my baby might not have all the antibodies that other breastfed babies have. My hub and I were prepared that she might fall sick more often than other babies. Well, falling sick also helps them to build up their immunity system right? But one thing we are sure is that she definitely gets all the love from my husband and me.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
What a "great" way to start the year!
Living through mid-January and February seem somewhat like an eternity to me. I felt kinda depressed during this 1.5 months, trying so super hard to recover from my super bad cough and to deal with challenges that I face at work. It was also this period that made me realise how important it is to keep my body healthy and to appreciate the time when I was healthy enough to go anywhere and to do whatever I wish to do.
My bad cough started in mid-January, around the time when everyone started preparing for Chinese New Year. I even bought much Chinese New Year goodies for my family and myself. But I did not touch any of these AT ALL!!! The cough and sore throat came together. I thought it would be the usual cough and sore throat. After the seeing the doctor, it should be much better. However, things just turn for the worse. I started losing my voice and my cough started to worsen. I was still not that worried as I have experienced that before. I went to see the doctor again but he still did not give me any antibiotics. I took about 2 days of MC to rest my voice in the hope that I will recover faster with more rest. But the cough just could not let me go. I started coughing super badly almost everyday prior to Chinese New Year, so bad that I could only sleep at 1-2 am and I had to wake up at 6 am to go to work. I also had to sleep on the mattress in my study room in order not to disturb my sis with my coughing. The throat feels so itchy and dry that I had to cough to get rid of the feeling.
The cough really took a toll on my body. On Chinese New Year eve, my body told me that it could not take it anymore. I was cooking my supper as I could not sleep due to the bad cough and I was feeling hungry too. I carried the bowl of instant noodles to the living room, hoping to watch TV as I eat my supper. But once I placed the bowl on the coffee table, I could feel my energy draining out of body. My whole body just felt weak and I had no strength even to stand. I quickly sat on the floor to rest, thinking that it would be fine after I rest for awhile. Of course things did not get better. I kinda freaked out and was wondering what was happening to me. I started to get breathless. I just had to get to my mom. I NEED HELP. I tried standing up and holding on to the cabinets and walls for support, I 'crawled' to my mom's room. When I was about to reach there, my body just collapsed onto the floor. I just called out to my mom in cantonese. "Ma, I cannot move! I have no strength!" My whole family woke up at that moment when they heard me. My mom of course freaked out. "What happened? Why don't you have strength?" My dad quickly carried me and got me to sit against the wall. I was already tearing. I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. "My fingers and arms are numb. My face is numb!" My mom started massaging my fingers and said, "Don't scare me ok? Why are your fingers numb? What happened? Why like that?" Luckily, my sister was calm and she quickly went to get a cup of warm water for me. "Everything's fine, don't think of so many things. You must keep telling yourself that everything's ok." Slowly, I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. After about 15 minutes (I think), the numbness started to go away. My mom thought I was too hungry (I didn't eat much for reunion dinner) which caused me to collapse. My mother helped me to the kitchen. I sat in the kitchen and I slowly drank the cup of warm water. I could feel the kitchen spinning around me for about a minute. I closed my eyes and things got better. I finished half of the bowl of noodles after that. My sister told me to sleep in the bedroom and she slept in the study room. After I got ready to go to bed, then they went to bed.
The first day of Chinese New Year didn't seem to be filled with joy at all. Morning was still fine until afternoon came. I was at my uncle's house and watching the TV when I suddenly felt weak again. Worried that whatever that happened the previous day would happen again, I just quickly close my eyes to rest. I think I dozed off (I was really tired!) and I woke up after about 20-30 minutes. I went ahead to play games with my aunts and cousins but it was just to pass time. My body was feeling tired throughout the day and I didn't feel like playing at all. I was still coughing throughout the day.
On the second day of Chinese New Year, my husband brought me to TTSH for a health check-up. Everything's normal which is good news. At about 9 plus at night, my mom made Ginger soup with pork slices for me. Ginger seems to be good at soothing the itchy throat and I certainly felt better after drinking it. I also seem to cough less and my voice seem to get better. However, I get easily tired and work was also piling up. I even thought of taking no pay medical leave though I know it's silly. It was only a cough. I didn't even feel like going out during the weekends and I had no mood to do anything.
One Wednesday, I started to have a slight throat discomfort again. It seems that I need to go through another round of this illness again. I started coughing again after 2 days. Phlegm build up and soon, my throat became really dry and itchy. And I started losing sleep again due to the bad cough. In no time, I lost my voice again. I had to take 2 days MC AGAIN. I was really getting depressed during this period of time, not knowing when I will recover. I am always lethargic and not able to do work for long period of time. Losing my voice the second time made me so upset. People who knew me well would know that my voice is one of the most important things in my life. Before I went to see doctor another time, I sat in my room and cried. I was really trying so hard to recover, not eating anything that was spicy and fried. I drank manuka honey. I slept early every night. I tried soup based food. BUT I JUST COULD NOT GET WELL. There was once in the office at work station that I suddenly felt energy draining out from my body again. For a moment, I could not even hold the pen. I put my head on the table and rested for awhile. Luckily, I felt better. I even looked around to see if there were any colleagues nearby in case I needed their help.
I also felt bad disturbing my family members with my coughing. My cough can really be loud and it can go on incessantly. They couldn't sleep quite well because of it and I was upset. They did complain a bit but there was nothing I could do. My hubby told me that I cannot sleep on the mattress in the study room as the mattress is too thin. My body feels cold and it will cause my cough to worsen. I can't sleep in my bedroom as I share room with my sis. And sleeping in the living room can also disturb my parents. At that moment, I just thought, "There's no place in the house that I can sleep." DEPRESSING.
Some of my colleagues suggested to me to see a TCM physician. I decided to give it a try since the western doctor could not do anything but to tell me to rest my voice. I went to the physician at Bishan area. The physician was pretty knowledgeable and she was able to tell me the causes of the loss of my voice and the itchy throat. She says there was too much wind in my body, especially in my throat. The wind causes the throat to be dry and itchy. There was also phlegm which causes the passageway to be blocked which causes me to lose voice and breathless as well. She gave me medicine to get rid of the phlegm to get rid of the wind.
The medicine was really pretty effective!! After taking the medicine two times, I started running to the toilet. And during the period which I took the medicine, my body was letting out wind ALL THE TIME. And I had to run to the toilet more often. I guess the medicine helped me to clear all the toxins. My cough got better, at least, I was able to sleep at night. She advised me to see her again even if the coughing is reduced. I went to see her again last week and I also did feedback to her that I felt better. At least, I don't get breathless easily. She changed the medicine for me and hopefully, I don't have to see her again after that consultation.
Right now, I can feel my voice slowly coming back. And I could sing!!! HURRAY! Just that I still can't reach the high notes. My throat doesn't get itchy so easily unless I'm in an air-conditioned room. I continued taking the medication and drinking manuka honey. I'm so glad that this cough is FINALLY COMING TO AN END. AND MY VOICE IS FINALLY COMING BACK. This 1.5 month really seems like an eternity to me. Now, I realise how good and important it is to be healthy. I could kinda understand how people who are sick with serious illnesses feel. My cough is nothing compared to them. But 1.5 months to me is really painful. Those who had to go through months of therapy and treatment must be worst. Really, you need to be really positive when your body is not well to move on with life. It's really not easy.
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