A sense of security

I always have a concern about whether I would be able to conceive in the future. Why is this so?? Because I was told that I always have a weak body constitution. So my mother would always make herbal soup to build up my body constitution. She always reminds me that it will really be sad if I can't conceive and have a baby of my own. Whenever I go to the sinseh, she would comment that my feet turns cold easily in an air conditioned room. But my feet feels really cold!!! I kinda believe what the sinseh says and she would give me some advice on the tonics that I can take and other ways to build up my body constitution.

My husband has always been telling me that it's perfectly fine if I really could not conceive but I could never be assured. What's more, one of my relatives, X, once kept saying that it's a pity if woman can't conceive. "女人不能怀孕佷惨的!" Although I told X that my husband didn't mind, she kept repeating herself and said that this is what the husband would normally say but they would want to have children. And not being able to have children is like the end of the world. I was pretty disturbed by that and this was always etched in my mind. Of course, it didn't make me feel better at all.

Just recently, when I was having Shabu Shabu with my husband, we came to talk about this topic. At one moment, he just held my hand, looked into my eyes and said, "Dear, don't worry if you can't conceive in the future. I marry you not for the sake of having children. We can always keep dogs if we don't have children. So please don't worry about it and I want you to know that this is really how I feel." My heart melted when he said that. Then I realised that I really do not have to matter about what others say. I have my husband's support.

Nevertheless, I continue to take tonics once a month and also to make a point to build up my body's constitution. And after talking to my friends and my cousin, Zoey, about it, I felt better and I know that I still stand a chance to have children. I would of course still hope that I am able to conceive one day.

There's just something in me...

This is my very first blog post for this blog. Well, from the title, it just meant that this blog will be about the ups and downs of my life. It could have passed but still lingering somewhere in my heart and mind which I just could not let go. Can be super happy moments or downright sad. Haz, yes, I'm EMO!!! I am rather EMO la but still not the worst kind. I am just easily attached to things which is no good at all.

Anyway, I was talking to my hubby through the phone and for some reason, I was talking about an incident that happened like 5 years ago which I still felt bitter about. 5 YEARS!!! Still trying to detach.... but hard it seems. Because I had no idea or did not understand why it happened. And what the reason was.

Okay, the whole incident happened on the day I was running for some position in a school organisation, let us just call it ABC club. Prior to that, we were supposed to fill up a CV, something like resume, to write down some of our experiences and skills we have which make us suitable to run for that position. Being a super sua koo student who has no idea how to fill up a resume form, just took it that I just had to list down whatever experiences I have that are more or less related to that position. Just to add that there was no clear instructions given on how to fill up that form too. I wrote down everything which was quite a long list.

Well at that time, I was involved in activities outside of the ABC club that were somewhat related to what I do in there. And because I was quite active, many people came to know about me but seriously, I did it out of passion which was singing and writing songs and not because I wanted to be popular. I was happy doing it and I also enjoy singing and writing songs for the ABC club as well.

On that actual day before the election, I was approached by two friends, X and Y (they are also in ABC club), who said that they wanted to talk to me. I couldn't remember exactly what they have said but it was something like "Some people feel that u're a bit too full of yourself because of your activities outside." Basically, they were trying to tell me not to be proud and to check the way I present myself. My heart just sank at that moment. I felt so mistaken!!!! I tried to explain myself but it seemed that it didn't help. We talked for a long long time (think 30 min?) and in the end, I could not control my emotions and my tears just rolled down. Then they got a bit kan cheong and tried to comfort me which did not help at all. The damage was done.

I WAS DEVASTATED. UPSET. FELT REALLY WRONGED TILL NOW.

Well, I believe they came to tell me about this so that I would better prepare my speech and would not show that I am trying to yaya. I have never thought to yaya at all from the start. NEVER AT ALL. What's there to yaya about anyway? As usual, I gave my speech and went through the normal procedure. I was elected. so what? I didn't feel happy at all. Every word of congrats that came to me was meaningless. Still, I didn't want to spoil the happy mood of others and continued pretending to look happy, feel okay and congratulated.

I also found out that the person in charge edited my CV that was pasted around the lecture hall( it was to allow people to know what I've done for the club) and deleted the activities that were not organised within the club. Well, maybe from the CV I have given them, they felt that I was a yaya to list down everything. HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW LA! No clear instructions and they also never inform that they have edited my CV or to tell me that I need not put down everything.

I was so upset that I called my boyfriend then (now hubby liao). He knew something was wrong and came to fetch me in a cab after everything ended. When I started talking to him about it, I started crying... non-stop. Why so? Because I felt so so mistaken! And it seemed that no one in the club understood. To me, it was just my passion and I enjoyed helping out in the club as much as I could. I stayed back at many of the events till 11 pm to help out and reaching home at 12 plus in the morning and the next day, I still had to climb out of my bed and spend another 1.5 hrs going to school. I dare to say that I volunteered unselfishly as I never expected anything in return. I don't even need the CCA points to get me to stay in the hostel coz I don't stay in the hostel. I am not trying to brag that I did a lot. Some members did even more. But there are just some who mistook my intention and got my good friends, X and Y to so-called break the news to me. What's that for??? Don't they have the guts to tell me directly? I was disappointed with ABC club at that point of time.

I continued to serve the club despite all these because I wanted to continue my passion. I can't deny that it was a good learning experience for me. Most of the memories I had from ABC club were wonderful. But that incident was deeply etched in my mind and the bitterness was just covered by some other emotions in my heart temporarily. Whilst talking to my hubby that day about it again, the bitterness just uncovered itself and the feeling was terrible. I was kinda disappointed with myself that I could even let go of something that happened so donkey years ago.