Kel and I were having a discussion just now on how fast Yuxin is growing up and we were talking about how difficult she was as a baby. We then came a point whereby we were praising ourselves for being good parents as we did not have any help when Yuxin was a baby till she was 8 months old. As I quote from Kelvan, "No one was there for us when we REALLY needed help." And that I have to agree.
Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby. Hell came when the confinement lady left. I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY. I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash. What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out. Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.
Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming). We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out. We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours. We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS. Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work. Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore. I was not in a much better state either. I was always frustrated over breast-feeding. And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well. By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted. I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well. I would be crying for no reason as well. Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP. After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling. It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little. However, we were still not handling things well. There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.
We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left. After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house. On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home. I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months. Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up. When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night. Both of us no need to sleep. But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night. REALLY HARD WORK.
My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave. My mom is a very strong woman. She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either. Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her. So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me. Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."
As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help. We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house. So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby. When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes. So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours. Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest. But I don't have that luxury. Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.
Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home. Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries? And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any. Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby. 为什么别人这么好命？
After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one. It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside. Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday. However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday. However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home. I do have friends who ask me how I could do it. I don't know. I just do. ;p
Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin. She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian. When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away. Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night. Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.
Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help. It is a fact. But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us. It was a painful process. But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore." Yuxin sticks to me like glue. When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers. Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients. He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares. Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?" And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.
So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents. As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility. And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.
