Self doubt. Paranoid. Acceptance.

  After the incident that traumatised me much, life went on pretty much normal. However, I did not realise that I was never quite the same again. I started to doubt myself and anything that was work-related would make me paranoid. I did not bother much about it until the following year when the fear I had eventually caused me to have serious anxiety attacks.

  The following year was a tough year for me. My form class students were bright but many had behaviourial problems. There was never a day which there were no behaviourial issues in my class. Parents were relatively much more demanding than the previous years and I felt that everything I did with my class, was under their scrutiny. It was like anytime, a parent might just shoot an email to the school. Managing the class, coupled with teaching the syllabus, marking and other responsibilities eventually made me doubt my self-worth. But I really did my best for the class to resolve any issues. I really did. It came to a point whereby I was so helpless and started asking myself, “What more could I do? It seems that whatever I do is never enough. I am never enough."

  Eventually, I started getting paranoid over my work. E.g. I knew I had sent a work email. When my colleague asked me about it, I would think that I did not do it or forgot about it but in fact, I had already sent the email. And if I really forgot something, I would self blame. Why didn't I remember to do this? Why am I like that? Why didn't I do enough? Without myself knowing, I was sinking deeper into this sea of self doubts. I didn't see myself as a good teacher. MY BEST WOULD NEVER BE ENOUGH.

  So how did I even realise I had anxiety attacks?

  It was my husband who started to notice the changes in me. I would lash out at my two young children on weekends, Sundays in particular. I also got defensive over minor mistakes I made at home. I started feeling breathless on EVERY Sunday evenings, around 5 pm onwards and the breathlessness would be at its peak at about 8 to 9 pm. These symptoms got worse when my kids threw tantrums which I found it exhausting to manage. The breathlessness could be so bad that at times, I wanted to end my life in order to stop the pain. My husband sat me down one night and spoke to me and asked me if I was feeling stressed at work. I told him that I didn't know. But I did tell him I felt suicidal many times. Sometimes I would look down from my house window and asked myself how I would look if I just jumped down. Most likely, I might not even die because I stayed at the third level. I could just very well be paralysed. But the view from my window was so good. It seemed so peaceful. It has the peace that I longed for. When the wind blew against my face, I would tell myself how good it would be if I just join the wind. But I usually snap out of it when I hear my children calling me.

   After some talks with my husband, it seemed that the incident coupled with work stress that year caused me to be in an unstable psychological state. I decided to seek professional help. I booked an appointment at KKH to see a psychiatrist. That was during end May or during the June holidays. After an hour session with the psychiatrist, she diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. I remembered my tears came flowing like a tap as she asked for details about the incident and what I was going through. She prescribed me with relaxants to help me out with my anxiety attacks.

  Relaxants did help me but only to a certain extent. They were taken only if I had a really bad anxiety attack. I tried my best at times not to take them and to just wait for my anxiety attacks to go away. BUT THE WAIT WAS EXCRUCIATING PAINFUL. And the psychiatrist told me not to take it too often as my body could be reliant on the relaxants. I also saw a psychologist as I wanted to learn some coping strategies to deal with the current situation. However, it was hard to keep up with my medical appointments due to a busy work schedule. I had to see my psychiatrist every three weeks and psychologist every three weeks. WHERE GOT TIME?????

  Besides dealing with the breathlessness, I could not accept my condition which was the most painful thing and I could not understand why I could not get over the incident. Why am I still clinging on to the fear and panic? Why am I so weak? Why is it that I cannot stand up again? Why do I have anxiety attacks? Why can't they just go away and leave me alone? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. It is so easy to tell myself to let go. It is so easy to tell myself not to beat myself over it. BUT I JUST CAN'T. I know many people would tell me to just let it go. BUT HOW??? It's like telling a person who has fractured his leg to run. The person can't run, can he? I was helpless. And relaxants could only help to relieve that moment of pain.

  It took me about 3 months to accept my condition with lots of family support and encouragement. That is only acceptance and I have not even gone into treatment yet. Who would have imagined what emotional disorders can do to you? I did not know how to tell my parents about it as I was afraid they would not understand. Eventually, my sister helped me with it and my family eventually knew.  Initially, I told no one except my family and two of my very close colleagues. I was afraid. I was afraid of being judged. I still had suicidal thoughts at that time. I even googled how much paracetamol I could take to end my life - it was 16 tablets by the way. There were a few times I pulled out my medicine drawer but to close it back eventually. Once, I even told my husband to keep the medicines out of my reach  because I was having a severe anxiety attack.

  By the time it was September, I told a few colleagues who were sitting around me about my condition. I started to feel breathless in school sometimes. In case I had an anxiety attack, they know what was happening. One of the most vivid attacks was the night of the day of the September holidays. Breathlessness came. I could not remember if I took my relaxants. But I just could not bring myself to go to work. I saw my GP the next day and he gave me two days MC. I reported to work on a Wednesday at about 5.30 am in the morning. No one was in the staff room. I made sure I was the earliest. I passed the school gates with sweaty palms and my heart pounding against my chest. I took deep breaths to calm myself down as I entered the lift. When I opened the door of the staff room, it was pitch dark. I switched on the lights and walked briskly to my table. My hands held onto my table tightly and I broke into choking sobs. Tears came down uncontrollably. I took time to cry and settled down just in time for other colleagues to come into the staff room without seeing me in tears.

  I started to get very scared of the last day of school which means distributing result slips. I would always expect that my students would come to me to tell me that their marks are entered wrongly. I was so afraid to the extent that I excused myself from a meeting to go to the toilet to cry. I wanted to go home. I called my husband. He told me that everything would be okay. The result slips would be okay. "When you have finished crying and ready, leave the toilet and go back to the meeting. You will be okay.” And I did just that. And the result slips were really okay.

  At the end of the year, I shared about my anxiety attacks with a few colleagues. They told me that they did not expect that this could happen to me as I was always so cheerful, bubbly and always laughing. And one of them said that she had heard of anxiety attacks but never had someone she knew who experienced it. I was sharing with them for awareness. People who have emotional disorders do not have it written on their faces. They look normal and could still be smiling but suffering inside. They are trying to cheer up but they just can't. And now I could understand almost totally what these people are going through. It is not that they didn't want to get well. They are trying their best to get well.

  My emotional struggles were more than this long read. It was much much more as I even tried taking anti-depressants for about 2 months to control my condition. Eventually, with my sister's encouragement, I transferred school so that I could start anew. I was happy there. And I got back a bit of my self-worth. It was my form class kids in the new school that made me realise that I was enough. And I could never thank them enough for  their 35 little hearts to almost fully heal one broken heart of mine.

*As I am putting this down, I am glad that my tears did not pour like yesterday. I smiled as I wrote the last paragraph. I know I am getting better.*

The day that started it all

  It was the last day of school. I have a pile of report books which I was getting ready to distribute to my form class. I made sure my signature was there and no errors in the remarks. I got ready the result slips that were bundled with a rubber band. Students are usually excited about receiving their result slips because they are curious what the teacher have written for their remarks. The report book signals the end of the semester and it is one the important items that students bring home to show their parents.

  A few students have been informed earlier to carry the report books to the classroom. Whoever was being selected would feel so privileged to be chosen but it was mainly just an opportunity to get out of the classroom. And how many others would be so envious of that. I had a wonderful class that year. The students although not cream of the crop, were teachable and pleasant kids. And eventually, we formed a strong bond that allowed me to help and guide them in their final year in Primary school.

  I distributed the report books and result slips. Usually, I get the students to slot the result slips in the pockets on their own. I mean, I have been doing this like almost 10 years that it has become the SOP for the last day of school. After which, I would remind them to get their parents to sign and to bring the report books back in Term 3. The kids were buzzing around after receiving their blue books with the updated editions when one student approached me.

  “Mdm Hoi, there is an error in my English marks."

  What? Again? It is common that teachers do sometimes type the marks wrongly, especially if there are errors in the marking and it could be confusing to change the marks in the system.

  "Alright, I will check for you." I would have to approach my colleague for help to unlock the system to edit the marks for that kid. Sometimes, it happens but it is not a major problem if it is just a small error.

  Another kid then came to me. “Mdm Hoi, my English marks are wrong." WTS!!! Another one? And one by one, the kids highlighted that their English marks are all wrong! Which means whole class is affected!!! I started to PANIC. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I'M IN DEEP SHIT. HOW??? WHY?? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHO DO I LOOK FOR HELP? WHAT IS MISSING FROM THEIR MARKS?

  I was really in a state of panic but I had to remain calm in front of my class. I collected their result slips and I told them I will double check and get it fixed. I HAD TO GET IT FIXED NO MATTER WHAT. It was already the last day of school and the students would not be in school the next day. So I had only like two hours or so to rectify their marks and get their result slips reprinted. But I need my colleague's help to do that as only a few of them have the rights to unlock the system to make changes to the grades. And I need to know what is missing in their marks. I remembered I keyed in everything. Whole class affected means top management will be informed - principal and vice-principal will know of it. It is a big mistake. Any mistakes that are exam-related are BIG MISTAKES.

  At that moment, I just wanted to fix the grades and to ensure that the marks are accurately reflected on the result slips. I texted my colleague to let him know of the situation. He was very very nice. He helped me check and he told me the marks from one section of the English paper was missing. WHY??? I THOUGHT I KEYED IN EVERYTHING?? He then told me to pass him the mark sheet with the correct marks. My heart was beating like crazy. My hands were trembling. I was SO SCARED. I WAS VERY VERY VERY SCARED AND I FELT REALLY VERY BAD FOR MY COLLEAGUE WHO HAD TO DO EXTRA WORK BECAUSE OF ME.

  I rushed to my office table. I searched for the mark sheet for their section of the English paper. I knew I had it. I placed all the hardcopies of the mark sheets in a clear folder as backup. I searched my table and cupboard but I could not find that clear folder. WHERE DID MY FOLDER GO? I remembered that it was in the cupboard behind my chair but I just could not find it. SHIT. My heart thumped even harder that I almost fainted at that moment. I remembered I kinda saw stars here and there. My clothes were soaked with perspiration. Yes, I panicked so much that I did not realise that I broke out in cold sweat.

  I was lost. I had no choice but to look for my HOD because most probably she might have the mark sheet for every level. I felt so embarrassed to tell her the situation I was in. I just felt bad that I had to trouble others because of my mistake. I was thankful that my HOD did not question me about what had happened but dived into helping me to solve my problem. She managed to find the mark sheet that I needed and I went ahead to rectify the marks in the system. Because of the situation, my HOD had to find time to look for the mark sheet and the other colleague sacrificed his free teaching periods to help me to unlock the system and did what he could to help me.

  FINALLY, IT WAS DONE.

  The new result slips were reprinted and distributed to the class. But my colleague told me, "As the whole class is affected, I am very sorry I have to report this to HOD and management," he said. I told him that it was okay. As long as the class got their new result slips, whatever happens after that is not an issue. At least I won't have parents complaining about me.

  After class ended, I went back to my table and I was still perspiring badly. But I was really relieved that everything was over. I opened my cupboard and there it was, the folder that I was looking for was staring right in front of me. Where did it go just now? Then, I realised that I was in such a panic that I did not even see the folder with the mark sheets inside. I felt so stupid.

  A few days after the incident, my supervisor (also a teacher) came over and told me that my promotion bonus in the following year will be affected due to this mistake. I don't really bother about bonus actually. I don't even keep track of the amount I had in the past years. She told me to be careful the next time when keying in marks. I was thankful that she gave me that support still.

 However, I knew that many colleagues would soon get to know of this incident.

  When the school holidays started, teachers have to attend school still for meetings and subject reviews. I reported to school as usual with my colleagues. I remembered I saw the agenda for that day and one part of the agenda was allocated to the Exams Committee. During that time, my school had this practice of sharing with the teaching staff the actual mistakes related to examination matters e.g. examination procedures, errors in marks etc. They wouldn't mention the names of the staff who made those mistakes. BUT by then, people would have known who they were. Sure enough, my mistake was highlighted.

  My heart started thumping when I saw that PowerPoint slide that mentioned my mistake. I felt so shameful to the point I really wanted to dig a hole somewhere to hide. As the colleague told the rest about the mistake, my mind was brought back to the incident again. I WANTED TO CRY. SUDDENLY, I FELT SCARED AND THERE WERE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I STARTED TO GET BREATHLESS. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. I felt I was dealing with the situation all over again. The panic and fear were eating me up.

  But I kept my composure. I did not show it and I hid it well behind a strong front. I told myself it was already over. BUT IT WAS NEVER OVER. I still questioned myself how I could make such a mistake. An experienced teacher like me should not be making such mistakes. And because of my mistake, I gave others trouble and caused inconvenience.

 I WOULD NEVER IMAGINED THAT I WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY THIS INCIDENT.

  In months to come, I realised that this incident was the main cause of my anxiety attacks that I struggled with in the following year which I had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for my condition. I cried like buckets each time I talked about this incident, to my husband, my psychiatrist and psychologist and to my new supervisor in the following year. The panic and fear is still so real. Although time has allowed me to heal quite a fair bit, my tears were pouring as I typed this out. My hands are actually shaking and starting to feel numb. Every bit of the incident is still so vivid that I don't know how to make it fade away. But I know I cannot force it to fade as that will make me even more miserable.

  On second thoughts, I don't understand why mistakes made had to be shared among the 100 over staff in the school. These incidents are like case studies to inform the rest so that the rest do not make the same mistakes. But do they even think of the individuals? I seriously think it might not have been so bad if it was not mentioned during the meeting. Having the mistake mentioned makes me feel that I have made an unforgivable mistake. My supervisor in the following year concluded that most likely there was no proper closure to the incident which left me feeling broken emotionally and psychologically. And subsequently, I started to get paranoid over small matters - if I have done them correctly. I started to doubt myself in many things that I do. Even things like booking hotels and air tickets for family holidays, I would double check once or twice every week that the dates are correct till the trip is over. I kept thinking that I have left out important information or keyed in the wrong information.

  Taking in a deep breath...

  Oh well... things are looking better after I have changed my teaching school. And since now I am on no-pay leave, I really hope I can take this time to get better.