Managing the Inner Voices

  It's already like midnight but I told myself that I have to put this down to mark a milestone that I have reached in my psychological healing. I actually feel very surprised that I am finally able to manage the inner voices that come up when I have self-doubt and self blame. It has not been an easy journey to be able to come to this point. Right now, I still could not believe that I managed to keep those voices in check. 

  Yesterday evening, Kel and I were having a conversation about married life. Kel was talking about the adjustments he had to make after we got married and one of the main aspects was doing household chores. Eventually, he went on to talk about how he had to wash turtle tub when I was pregnant. He said he was still very bitter over the fact that he had to clear the sand area in the turtle tub. There were times when he had to remove small worms in the sand. These were painful moments for him as he hated sand and the worms were disgusting. And when he told me about using something to replace sand, I insisted things not to be changed. When I heard what he had said, I felt really bad and terrible. And I could feel a wave of negative thoughts zooming towards me. It was very scary and overwhelming. I apologised to Kel and I explained to him that at that point of time, I didn't know of a better way to make the turtle dry area better so I just told him to keep it that way. 

  "Why didn't you try to help at that time? What's wrong with you? Why did you treat your husband like that? Why didn't you try to understand him? You should have worked out a solution with him. You shouldn't have pushed him away like this. You are a terrible person. You're really terrible." My self critic was suddenly awakened and it went on and on; putting myself down. I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes. I FELT LIKE AN AWFUL WIFE. The inner self critic was so LOUD that the voices seemed to be exploding in my head. 

  At that moment, it seemed that Kel knew what I was facing. He left me alone to deal with the inner monsters. I have told him before how it would be like when my inner self critic comes for a visit and when it happens, he did not have to do anything but just leave me alone to have some time to deal with it. No need to ask me anything. 

  As the self critic went on and on, I took a deep breath and started to keep in touch with those feelings.  

  "I am feeling awful now. I feel like a bad person. The self critic is getting hyped up again and putting you down."

 I mustered up courage and started to use soothing techniques to soothe myself; and to keep the self critic voices down. 

  "It's all over right now. You are going to be okay. It's alright to feel bad. You will be able to manage such incidents better the next time. You have apologised and it's over now. You will be able to move forward."

  Eventually, the inner self critic stopped talking. It was such a relief and surprise. I DID IT. And it was within a span of less than 10 minutes. It was the shortest time I have taken to shut the inner critic up. It still takes a lot a lot of effort to get it done. But I feel that it comes a bit more naturally now, which means this coping strategy has gradually become a part of my emotional coping system. 

  I gave myself a pat on the back. It took me like 3 years to be able to get to this stage of my psychological healing. How long it had been. 3 YEARS!! Maybe I was able to do it because just that day, I shared with Kel one of my most painful periods of my life; it was actually the first time I shared about what had happened and how I felt. But I will write about that next time. I can't wait to visit my psychologist in January to tell her about the progress I have made. 

Therapy for the Heart & Mind

  Today is 31 December 2020. And it has been one year since I have wrote about my anxiety attacks. I made it known because I realised how little is known about emotional disorders and how little understanding people have towards those who are suffering from these illnesses. Right now, I have healed a lot but I am still seeing my psychologist monthly for treatment which has helped me to manage my anxiety attacks better. Yes, I still have them and I will just accept the fact that they will visit me sometimes. I had one very bad attack this year but I managed to overcome it with coping strategies that I learnt from my psychologist. I felt so proud of myself. Really. And my psychologist would remind me to give myself a pat on the back. I took relaxants only about twice this year which is a significant improvement from last year. 

  I was approached by a few friends who asked me about anxiety attacks. It is either they are having the attacks or their loved ones are experiencing them. I am always willing to share my experience with anyone who wants to know because I know how difficult it can be to be facing this alone, with no one being able to understand because this illness is not something that can be explained easily. It is not visible compared to physical illness or pain which makes it so hard to describe. If I fell down and fractured my leg and my leg in a cast, people will be able to understand because they are able to tell that I can't walk and I am in pain. But if I am having emotional disorder, how to show? Do I write it on my forehead to tell others? Of course cannot right. So if you have someone you know who is suffering from emotional disorders, there are really certain things to avoid saying to them. 

1. Stay strong. Stay positive.

WTF!! If I could stay strong and positive, I wouldn't be suffering now isn't it? People who are suffering from anxiety attacks or depression would love to stay strong and positive. They want to but they just can't. There is just something in their heads that is preventing them to do that. That is why they need help from psychiatrist and psychologists; medication to fix the mind and coping strategies to train the mind. Telling them to stay strong and positive makes them feel worse because they feel bad that they can't do it no matter how hard they try. And this causes them to feel really lousy about themselves and it worsens their condition. 

2. Everyone makes mistakes. You just have to learn from them and move on. 

I have been hearing this so many times and seriously, I also want to move on. Who doesn't? Yes I have learnt from my mistakes but I just can't move on. I couldn't forgive myself for the mistake I made. The mistake is eating me up. I want to stop the mistake from eating me up but I couldn't. And being told that I have to learn from my mistakes and move on do not help because I feel lousy again because I could not do it. 

3. Don't think so much. Let it go. 

This is also one of the most f***ed up things to hear. If I am able not to think about it, of course I won't think right. When I have anxiety attacks, I hear a million voices in my head and I cannot control them. The self critic is pounding on me, and making me feel so terrible as a human being. I feel so upset when my self critic keeps scolding me. My tears would just flow like a tap. Then the soothing part of me is trying to outtalk my self critic, trying to stop the self critic from talking. It is really a battle in the mind and see who emerges victorious. And here you are, telling me to "don't think so much", I can tell you that the person suffering is telling you in his/her head to fuck off. Obviously, if I could let it go, I would have and not made myself suffer so much. I just don't know how. 

4. Giving suggestions or providing solutions

  When experiencing anxiety attacks, the person suffering is not expecting solutions to solve the problem they are worrying about. Telling them solutions won't help at all. For my case, it was more of "next time, you just double check the marks.", "next time, maybe you can try doing this or that...", "next time, just make sure you don't make this mistake anymore." This is totally not helpful!! I also know next time I won't want to make this mistake but right now, the mistake is eating me up. So right now, I am trying to manage my mind and emotions which I am having difficulty with. I am not trying to think of solutions for the future. I can't even manage the present, how to manage the future? 

  These are the most common things that people with emotional disorders hear and they don't know how to tell others to stop saying them because it is really hard for others to understand. And usually, emotional disorder patients just tell themselves, "It's alright. I can't blame them for not understanding. It's not easy." So what do I say to someone when he or she tell me they are experiencing anxiety attacks? 

1. How are you feeling? 

2. Don't be afraid. You are not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. I am here to listen. 

3. Seek professional help please. At least the doctors won't judge you because they know you need help. (this is if the person has been managing it for sometime but they find it more and more difficult. By the way, not all docs are good. So need to find a suitable psychiatrist and psychologist to treat)

4. It is alright to feel this way. You are just human and there are certain things that affect us more badly than other things. At least you are acknowledging your feelings. 

5. Is there anything I can help? 

6. What you are feeling is not permanent. You feel terrible right now but it won't be forever. Just observe the emotions. 

  For me, I used a lot of Buddhism philosophy for self-treatment which is applicable to all; regardless of your religion. I read this book called "Overcoming Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh to remind me of the present. So when I have anxiety attacks, I keep bring myself back to the present. 

"This fear is not my home. This fear is just a delusion. My home is here. My home is at the present." I would feel the floor under my feet, I would look around me in my house. My hands are touching whatever it is in the house to remind myself that I am SAFE. And my fear is just temporary. That will take me about 10 to 15 mins. When I am feeling a bit better, I would do something else and focus on doing it. And the fear gradually goes away. 

  My psychologist recently did a session with me, helping me to sort out my thoughts when I am having anxiety attacks, particularly if I am being harsh on myself. This was after I told her that I had a bad anxiety attack and I felt so lousy about myself. She reenacted the anxiety attack with me that day. She arranged three chairs; one chair for the self critic me, one chair for the feeling me; and one chair for the soothing me. 

  She got me to sit on the first chair "self critic" and said, "Imagine Hoi is in front you, what do you want to say to her?" It was so easy. I started to say all kinds of nasty things. "Why are you worrying so much?" "Why can't you just be like your mother who can manage everything?" "Why are you so not cooperative with your husband?" "Why are you so lousy?" And a whole lot of criticisms just flooded the room. 

  Next, I had to sit on the feeling chair. "How is Hoi feeling now?" For a moment, I was lost for words. I didn't know how to describe my emotions. The only thing I said was, "I am very sad." And I remembered I just cried while sitting on that chair. (At this moment, I am feeling the emotions I had that day. I stopped typing for a minute but I didn't tear.)

 Eventually, I moved on to the last chair, "the soothing" chair. "What do you want to say to make Hoi feel better?" I started to use my soothing techniques that I learnt from my psychologist, and a little from Buddhism, reminding myself that emotions are not permanent. 

  Now that you are the soothing part of yourself, what do you want to say to the self critic? 

  My answer was "Just shut up! And leave Hoi alone!" 

  My psychologist broke into laughter. And totally agreed with me. She did a closure of the session and I left her room, feeling so much better and also knowing how to segregate the voices in my head if I do have another anxiety attack the next time. 

  Many people do wonder what goes on in the sessions with psychologists. My psychologist did quite a lot with me. It is not just merely talking but therapy that really helps to dig out the root cause of attacks. It takes many sessions and willingness of the patient to be able to sieve out the triggers gradually, though it could be very painful emotionally along the way. I have lost count the number of times I cried during the sessions. But each time I leave her room, I feel more reassured and confident that I am recovering well. 

Self doubt. Paranoid. Acceptance.

  After the incident that traumatised me much, life went on pretty much normal. However, I did not realise that I was never quite the same again. I started to doubt myself and anything that was work-related would make me paranoid. I did not bother much about it until the following year when the fear I had eventually caused me to have serious anxiety attacks.

  The following year was a tough year for me. My form class students were bright but many had behaviourial problems. There was never a day which there were no behaviourial issues in my class. Parents were relatively much more demanding than the previous years and I felt that everything I did with my class, was under their scrutiny. It was like anytime, a parent might just shoot an email to the school. Managing the class, coupled with teaching the syllabus, marking and other responsibilities eventually made me doubt my self-worth. But I really did my best for the class to resolve any issues. I really did. It came to a point whereby I was so helpless and started asking myself, “What more could I do? It seems that whatever I do is never enough. I am never enough."

  Eventually, I started getting paranoid over my work. E.g. I knew I had sent a work email. When my colleague asked me about it, I would think that I did not do it or forgot about it but in fact, I had already sent the email. And if I really forgot something, I would self blame. Why didn't I remember to do this? Why am I like that? Why didn't I do enough? Without myself knowing, I was sinking deeper into this sea of self doubts. I didn't see myself as a good teacher. MY BEST WOULD NEVER BE ENOUGH.

  So how did I even realise I had anxiety attacks?

  It was my husband who started to notice the changes in me. I would lash out at my two young children on weekends, Sundays in particular. I also got defensive over minor mistakes I made at home. I started feeling breathless on EVERY Sunday evenings, around 5 pm onwards and the breathlessness would be at its peak at about 8 to 9 pm. These symptoms got worse when my kids threw tantrums which I found it exhausting to manage. The breathlessness could be so bad that at times, I wanted to end my life in order to stop the pain. My husband sat me down one night and spoke to me and asked me if I was feeling stressed at work. I told him that I didn't know. But I did tell him I felt suicidal many times. Sometimes I would look down from my house window and asked myself how I would look if I just jumped down. Most likely, I might not even die because I stayed at the third level. I could just very well be paralysed. But the view from my window was so good. It seemed so peaceful. It has the peace that I longed for. When the wind blew against my face, I would tell myself how good it would be if I just join the wind. But I usually snap out of it when I hear my children calling me.

   After some talks with my husband, it seemed that the incident coupled with work stress that year caused me to be in an unstable psychological state. I decided to seek professional help. I booked an appointment at KKH to see a psychiatrist. That was during end May or during the June holidays. After an hour session with the psychiatrist, she diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. I remembered my tears came flowing like a tap as she asked for details about the incident and what I was going through. She prescribed me with relaxants to help me out with my anxiety attacks.

  Relaxants did help me but only to a certain extent. They were taken only if I had a really bad anxiety attack. I tried my best at times not to take them and to just wait for my anxiety attacks to go away. BUT THE WAIT WAS EXCRUCIATING PAINFUL. And the psychiatrist told me not to take it too often as my body could be reliant on the relaxants. I also saw a psychologist as I wanted to learn some coping strategies to deal with the current situation. However, it was hard to keep up with my medical appointments due to a busy work schedule. I had to see my psychiatrist every three weeks and psychologist every three weeks. WHERE GOT TIME?????

  Besides dealing with the breathlessness, I could not accept my condition which was the most painful thing and I could not understand why I could not get over the incident. Why am I still clinging on to the fear and panic? Why am I so weak? Why is it that I cannot stand up again? Why do I have anxiety attacks? Why can't they just go away and leave me alone? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. It is so easy to tell myself to let go. It is so easy to tell myself not to beat myself over it. BUT I JUST CAN'T. I know many people would tell me to just let it go. BUT HOW??? It's like telling a person who has fractured his leg to run. The person can't run, can he? I was helpless. And relaxants could only help to relieve that moment of pain.

  It took me about 3 months to accept my condition with lots of family support and encouragement. That is only acceptance and I have not even gone into treatment yet. Who would have imagined what emotional disorders can do to you? I did not know how to tell my parents about it as I was afraid they would not understand. Eventually, my sister helped me with it and my family eventually knew.  Initially, I told no one except my family and two of my very close colleagues. I was afraid. I was afraid of being judged. I still had suicidal thoughts at that time. I even googled how much paracetamol I could take to end my life - it was 16 tablets by the way. There were a few times I pulled out my medicine drawer but to close it back eventually. Once, I even told my husband to keep the medicines out of my reach  because I was having a severe anxiety attack.

  By the time it was September, I told a few colleagues who were sitting around me about my condition. I started to feel breathless in school sometimes. In case I had an anxiety attack, they know what was happening. One of the most vivid attacks was the night of the day of the September holidays. Breathlessness came. I could not remember if I took my relaxants. But I just could not bring myself to go to work. I saw my GP the next day and he gave me two days MC. I reported to work on a Wednesday at about 5.30 am in the morning. No one was in the staff room. I made sure I was the earliest. I passed the school gates with sweaty palms and my heart pounding against my chest. I took deep breaths to calm myself down as I entered the lift. When I opened the door of the staff room, it was pitch dark. I switched on the lights and walked briskly to my table. My hands held onto my table tightly and I broke into choking sobs. Tears came down uncontrollably. I took time to cry and settled down just in time for other colleagues to come into the staff room without seeing me in tears.

  I started to get very scared of the last day of school which means distributing result slips. I would always expect that my students would come to me to tell me that their marks are entered wrongly. I was so afraid to the extent that I excused myself from a meeting to go to the toilet to cry. I wanted to go home. I called my husband. He told me that everything would be okay. The result slips would be okay. "When you have finished crying and ready, leave the toilet and go back to the meeting. You will be okay.” And I did just that. And the result slips were really okay.

  At the end of the year, I shared about my anxiety attacks with a few colleagues. They told me that they did not expect that this could happen to me as I was always so cheerful, bubbly and always laughing. And one of them said that she had heard of anxiety attacks but never had someone she knew who experienced it. I was sharing with them for awareness. People who have emotional disorders do not have it written on their faces. They look normal and could still be smiling but suffering inside. They are trying to cheer up but they just can't. And now I could understand almost totally what these people are going through. It is not that they didn't want to get well. They are trying their best to get well.

  My emotional struggles were more than this long read. It was much much more as I even tried taking anti-depressants for about 2 months to control my condition. Eventually, with my sister's encouragement, I transferred school so that I could start anew. I was happy there. And I got back a bit of my self-worth. It was my form class kids in the new school that made me realise that I was enough. And I could never thank them enough for  their 35 little hearts to almost fully heal one broken heart of mine.

*As I am putting this down, I am glad that my tears did not pour like yesterday. I smiled as I wrote the last paragraph. I know I am getting better.*

The day that started it all

  It was the last day of school. I have a pile of report books which I was getting ready to distribute to my form class. I made sure my signature was there and no errors in the remarks. I got ready the result slips that were bundled with a rubber band. Students are usually excited about receiving their result slips because they are curious what the teacher have written for their remarks. The report book signals the end of the semester and it is one the important items that students bring home to show their parents.

  A few students have been informed earlier to carry the report books to the classroom. Whoever was being selected would feel so privileged to be chosen but it was mainly just an opportunity to get out of the classroom. And how many others would be so envious of that. I had a wonderful class that year. The students although not cream of the crop, were teachable and pleasant kids. And eventually, we formed a strong bond that allowed me to help and guide them in their final year in Primary school.

  I distributed the report books and result slips. Usually, I get the students to slot the result slips in the pockets on their own. I mean, I have been doing this like almost 10 years that it has become the SOP for the last day of school. After which, I would remind them to get their parents to sign and to bring the report books back in Term 3. The kids were buzzing around after receiving their blue books with the updated editions when one student approached me.

  “Mdm Hoi, there is an error in my English marks."

  What? Again? It is common that teachers do sometimes type the marks wrongly, especially if there are errors in the marking and it could be confusing to change the marks in the system.

  "Alright, I will check for you." I would have to approach my colleague for help to unlock the system to edit the marks for that kid. Sometimes, it happens but it is not a major problem if it is just a small error.

  Another kid then came to me. “Mdm Hoi, my English marks are wrong." WTS!!! Another one? And one by one, the kids highlighted that their English marks are all wrong! Which means whole class is affected!!! I started to PANIC. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I'M IN DEEP SHIT. HOW??? WHY?? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHO DO I LOOK FOR HELP? WHAT IS MISSING FROM THEIR MARKS?

  I was really in a state of panic but I had to remain calm in front of my class. I collected their result slips and I told them I will double check and get it fixed. I HAD TO GET IT FIXED NO MATTER WHAT. It was already the last day of school and the students would not be in school the next day. So I had only like two hours or so to rectify their marks and get their result slips reprinted. But I need my colleague's help to do that as only a few of them have the rights to unlock the system to make changes to the grades. And I need to know what is missing in their marks. I remembered I keyed in everything. Whole class affected means top management will be informed - principal and vice-principal will know of it. It is a big mistake. Any mistakes that are exam-related are BIG MISTAKES.

  At that moment, I just wanted to fix the grades and to ensure that the marks are accurately reflected on the result slips. I texted my colleague to let him know of the situation. He was very very nice. He helped me check and he told me the marks from one section of the English paper was missing. WHY??? I THOUGHT I KEYED IN EVERYTHING?? He then told me to pass him the mark sheet with the correct marks. My heart was beating like crazy. My hands were trembling. I was SO SCARED. I WAS VERY VERY VERY SCARED AND I FELT REALLY VERY BAD FOR MY COLLEAGUE WHO HAD TO DO EXTRA WORK BECAUSE OF ME.

  I rushed to my office table. I searched for the mark sheet for their section of the English paper. I knew I had it. I placed all the hardcopies of the mark sheets in a clear folder as backup. I searched my table and cupboard but I could not find that clear folder. WHERE DID MY FOLDER GO? I remembered that it was in the cupboard behind my chair but I just could not find it. SHIT. My heart thumped even harder that I almost fainted at that moment. I remembered I kinda saw stars here and there. My clothes were soaked with perspiration. Yes, I panicked so much that I did not realise that I broke out in cold sweat.

  I was lost. I had no choice but to look for my HOD because most probably she might have the mark sheet for every level. I felt so embarrassed to tell her the situation I was in. I just felt bad that I had to trouble others because of my mistake. I was thankful that my HOD did not question me about what had happened but dived into helping me to solve my problem. She managed to find the mark sheet that I needed and I went ahead to rectify the marks in the system. Because of the situation, my HOD had to find time to look for the mark sheet and the other colleague sacrificed his free teaching periods to help me to unlock the system and did what he could to help me.

  FINALLY, IT WAS DONE.

  The new result slips were reprinted and distributed to the class. But my colleague told me, "As the whole class is affected, I am very sorry I have to report this to HOD and management," he said. I told him that it was okay. As long as the class got their new result slips, whatever happens after that is not an issue. At least I won't have parents complaining about me.

  After class ended, I went back to my table and I was still perspiring badly. But I was really relieved that everything was over. I opened my cupboard and there it was, the folder that I was looking for was staring right in front of me. Where did it go just now? Then, I realised that I was in such a panic that I did not even see the folder with the mark sheets inside. I felt so stupid.

  A few days after the incident, my supervisor (also a teacher) came over and told me that my promotion bonus in the following year will be affected due to this mistake. I don't really bother about bonus actually. I don't even keep track of the amount I had in the past years. She told me to be careful the next time when keying in marks. I was thankful that she gave me that support still.

 However, I knew that many colleagues would soon get to know of this incident.

  When the school holidays started, teachers have to attend school still for meetings and subject reviews. I reported to school as usual with my colleagues. I remembered I saw the agenda for that day and one part of the agenda was allocated to the Exams Committee. During that time, my school had this practice of sharing with the teaching staff the actual mistakes related to examination matters e.g. examination procedures, errors in marks etc. They wouldn't mention the names of the staff who made those mistakes. BUT by then, people would have known who they were. Sure enough, my mistake was highlighted.

  My heart started thumping when I saw that PowerPoint slide that mentioned my mistake. I felt so shameful to the point I really wanted to dig a hole somewhere to hide. As the colleague told the rest about the mistake, my mind was brought back to the incident again. I WANTED TO CRY. SUDDENLY, I FELT SCARED AND THERE WERE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I STARTED TO GET BREATHLESS. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. I felt I was dealing with the situation all over again. The panic and fear were eating me up.

  But I kept my composure. I did not show it and I hid it well behind a strong front. I told myself it was already over. BUT IT WAS NEVER OVER. I still questioned myself how I could make such a mistake. An experienced teacher like me should not be making such mistakes. And because of my mistake, I gave others trouble and caused inconvenience.

 I WOULD NEVER IMAGINED THAT I WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY THIS INCIDENT.

  In months to come, I realised that this incident was the main cause of my anxiety attacks that I struggled with in the following year which I had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for my condition. I cried like buckets each time I talked about this incident, to my husband, my psychiatrist and psychologist and to my new supervisor in the following year. The panic and fear is still so real. Although time has allowed me to heal quite a fair bit, my tears were pouring as I typed this out. My hands are actually shaking and starting to feel numb. Every bit of the incident is still so vivid that I don't know how to make it fade away. But I know I cannot force it to fade as that will make me even more miserable.

  On second thoughts, I don't understand why mistakes made had to be shared among the 100 over staff in the school. These incidents are like case studies to inform the rest so that the rest do not make the same mistakes. But do they even think of the individuals? I seriously think it might not have been so bad if it was not mentioned during the meeting. Having the mistake mentioned makes me feel that I have made an unforgivable mistake. My supervisor in the following year concluded that most likely there was no proper closure to the incident which left me feeling broken emotionally and psychologically. And subsequently, I started to get paranoid over small matters - if I have done them correctly. I started to doubt myself in many things that I do. Even things like booking hotels and air tickets for family holidays, I would double check once or twice every week that the dates are correct till the trip is over. I kept thinking that I have left out important information or keyed in the wrong information.

  Taking in a deep breath...

  Oh well... things are looking better after I have changed my teaching school. And since now I am on no-pay leave, I really hope I can take this time to get better.

In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love, with this ring I marry you.

  Just that day, my hub came to me, looked into my eyes and said, "You shouldn't be going through this, I'm sorry." I was quite surprised what he had said to me and I just told him that everything is okay and told him not to be silly. So here are the events that led to our conversation that we had that day. 


  He quit his job in March 2014 to start his own e-commerce business. When he told me about this plan last year, I fully supported him and I told him, "As long as you have made sufficient plans about your finances after you have quit your job to start this, I'll support your venture. And it's the right time to do this as our little one is only 1. Not much $$$ is needed as she does not need to go to school." He was shocked that I gave the nod so willingly as he expected me to say no.  He told me to give him a year to try it out. I knew he has always wanted to start his own business and has always been telling me about it during our dating days. He told me he was not afraid to fail. "Even if I have failed, I want to tell our daughter next time that Papa was brave enough to fulfill a dream and you should too." I admired my husband's courage and I feel that men should have that kind of courage to fulfill their dreams and to get out of their comfort zones. 


  Towards the end of last year, he was calculating how much I will need to pay for the monthly household expenses for 2014. I will have to hold the financial fort for 2014 as he will not be getting any salary. I knew I would be financially tight but luckily, our girl is not going to school yet so it was not that tough. We cut down our expenses, especially when we go out to eat. Dinner at restaurants was reduced and we try to keep our dinner bill to less than $30 or even $20 sometimes when we are out on a date (Thursdays is our dating day). Once in awhile, we would go to the restaurants and have nice meals with better ambience. My hub cut down his expenses a lot. He is more thrifty than me by nature so he really did not buy anything for himself for almost the whole year. We didn't get presents from each other on birthdays and I also did not expect any gifts from him. We would just go to a nice restaurant to celebrate our birthdays and enjoy each other's company and presence. 


  2014 was a tough year for the both of us.  I was extremely busy with work. And I would usually fall asleep with my little one at 9 plus 10 because I would be so exhausted. My hub was always working till 3 am everyday setting up his business. Being your own boss is really not easy and there was just so many things he had to learn. Of course, he made blunders along the way and had to pick himself up to move on.  Soon, we communicated less with each other, quarrelled a lot and we thought we should not even have number 2 because we could not even manage ourselves. It came to a point when I told him that there was something wrong with our marriage and we had to do something about it. Towards the third quarter of the year, we managed to work things out and we started to understand what each other is going through. 


 Why am I so tired? On top of my work, I had to assist him in his e-commerce business in photograph taking, deciding what stuff to sell, packing, labelling, stock-taking. It can take up a lot of time and I do get really really exhausted after helping him. But I tell myself, "If I don't help him, who could?" So sometimes even though I am really tried, I pushed myself to help him to the best of my ability, sometimes till wee hours. And I really lack a lot of sleep because of that. 


  So just 2 days ago, he told me he was sorry for putting me through these e.g. not being to always go to restaurants to have nice meals. And I know deep down in him, maybe he even thought that he could not take me for a holiday. The most recent place we went is Bangkok but it was more of a business trip for him as he had to source for supplies there. And we walked so much carrying 50 T-shirts and even more stuff around Chaktuchak market. I suffered severe leg pain after the trip.  I admit I am sometimes envious of my friends who are able to go to Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan when I see the their photos on Facebook. But I am still happy with the way things are now. So I just told my hub that I don't need all these. I mean they are good to have and I didn't marry him because of these. I don't need him to buy branded bags for me, Pandora accessories (it's the 'in' thing now right?), take me to Atas restaurants etc. I am happy now because we are communicating well with each other, sharing our feelings and thoughts and spending sufficient time together. Well, I thought this is what marriage supposed to be, isn't it? 


  As I looked back at our marriage vows that we took when we had our ROM ceremony. There were no material needs stated in our vows. (We simple used the standard one from ROM, we didn't even had time to craft our own.)  So I asked my hub what his answer was when he was asked, "Will you, Siew Tuck Wing take this woman Hoi Wan Hua to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?" He said yes. It was "I will". So I told him not to be disturbed by not giving me the material needs because he has never promised to.  There is always a chance in the future if both of us want to give each other gifts. Good communication and understanding between a couple is always far more important than any material gift. (Well, I still told him to at least buy me a card for our wedding anniversary and writing something sweet inside la.)


  Well, my hub might think that I am very 委屈 but seriously, I am thankful to him for always doing a lot of the household chores. Now he tells me, "Think of those reality tv shows which the mummies are not at home and the daddies take over to take care of the kids and do the chores, I'll definitely aced them!" He knows the amount of washing powder to add for different volume of clothes, changes the plastic bags in the rubbish bins, clears the fridge of unwanted or expired food, hangs the clothes to dry(although done not in a very good way but I close one eye), ensures there is constant supply of boiled water, reminds me to keep the clothes on the clothes rack after our part-time helper has ironed them etc. 


  People may think that I am too easily contented with life to the point maybe a bit stupid. Don't want this and that. But seriously, I already have enough (though I hope I stay in a bigger house so I can have a bigger wardrobe for my clothes, and I can earn more money to do my taobao shopping. hahaha). I have my family, an understanding and courageous husband who always talk cock and my little one who has brought us so much joy. 

这就是幸福。 

I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER RIGHT NOW

  I FEEL SO BAD! SO BAD! SO BAD!

  This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place.  My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place.  Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.

  I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends.  After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.

  I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.

  When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying.  She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.

She's our daughter; She's our responsibility

  Kel and I were having a discussion just now on how fast Yuxin is growing up and we were talking about how difficult she was as a baby.  We then came a point whereby we were praising ourselves for being good parents as we did not have any help when Yuxin was a baby till she was 8 months old.  As I quote from Kelvan, "No one was there for us when we REALLY needed help."  And that I have to agree.

  Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby.  Hell came when the confinement lady left.  I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY.  I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash.  What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out.  Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.

  Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming).  We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out.  We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours.  We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS.  Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work.  Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore.  I was not in a much better state either.  I was always frustrated over breast-feeding.  And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well.  By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted.  I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well.  I would be crying for no reason as well.  Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP.  After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling.  It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little.  However, we were still not handling things well.  There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.

  We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left.  After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house.   On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home.  I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months.  Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up.  When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night.  Both of us no need to sleep.  But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night.  REALLY HARD WORK.

  My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave.  My mom is a very strong woman.  She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either.  Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her.  So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me.  Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."

  As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help.  We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house.  So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby.  When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes.  So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours.  Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest.  But I don't have that luxury.  Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.

  Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home.  Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries?  And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any.  Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby.  为什么别人这么好命？

  After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one.  It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside.  Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday.  However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday.  However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home.  I do have friends who ask me how I could do it.  I don't know. I just do. ;p

   Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin.  She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian.  When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away.  Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night.  Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.

  Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help.  It is a fact.  But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us.  It was a painful process.  But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore."  Yuxin sticks to me like glue.  When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers.  Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients.  He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares.  Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?"  And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.

 So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents.  As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility.  And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.