Just that day, my hub came to me, looked into my eyes and said, "You shouldn't be going through this, I'm sorry." I was quite surprised what he had said to me and I just told him that everything is okay and told him not to be silly. So here are the events that led to our conversation that we had that day.
He quit his job in March 2014 to start his own e-commerce business. When he told me about this plan last year, I fully supported him and I told him, "As long as you have made sufficient plans about your finances after you have quit your job to start this, I'll support your venture. And it's the right time to do this as our little one is only 1. Not much $$$ is needed as she does not need to go to school." He was shocked that I gave the nod so willingly as he expected me to say no. He told me to give him a year to try it out. I knew he has always wanted to start his own business and has always been telling me about it during our dating days. He told me he was not afraid to fail. "Even if I have failed, I want to tell our daughter next time that Papa was brave enough to fulfill a dream and you should too." I admired my husband's courage and I feel that men should have that kind of courage to fulfill their dreams and to get out of their comfort zones.
Towards the end of last year, he was calculating how much I will need to pay for the monthly household expenses for 2014. I will have to hold the financial fort for 2014 as he will not be getting any salary. I knew I would be financially tight but luckily, our girl is not going to school yet so it was not that tough. We cut down our expenses, especially when we go out to eat. Dinner at restaurants was reduced and we try to keep our dinner bill to less than $30 or even $20 sometimes when we are out on a date (Thursdays is our dating day). Once in awhile, we would go to the restaurants and have nice meals with better ambience. My hub cut down his expenses a lot. He is more thrifty than me by nature so he really did not buy anything for himself for almost the whole year. We didn't get presents from each other on birthdays and I also did not expect any gifts from him. We would just go to a nice restaurant to celebrate our birthdays and enjoy each other's company and presence.
2014 was a tough year for the both of us. I was extremely busy with work. And I would usually fall asleep with my little one at 9 plus 10 because I would be so exhausted. My hub was always working till 3 am everyday setting up his business. Being your own boss is really not easy and there was just so many things he had to learn. Of course, he made blunders along the way and had to pick himself up to move on. Soon, we communicated less with each other, quarrelled a lot and we thought we should not even have number 2 because we could not even manage ourselves. It came to a point when I told him that there was something wrong with our marriage and we had to do something about it. Towards the third quarter of the year, we managed to work things out and we started to understand what each other is going through.
Why am I so tired? On top of my work, I had to assist him in his e-commerce business in photograph taking, deciding what stuff to sell, packing, labelling, stock-taking. It can take up a lot of time and I do get really really exhausted after helping him. But I tell myself, "If I don't help him, who could?" So sometimes even though I am really tried, I pushed myself to help him to the best of my ability, sometimes till wee hours. And I really lack a lot of sleep because of that.
So just 2 days ago, he told me he was sorry for putting me through these e.g. not being to always go to restaurants to have nice meals. And I know deep down in him, maybe he even thought that he could not take me for a holiday. The most recent place we went is Bangkok but it was more of a business trip for him as he had to source for supplies there. And we walked so much carrying 50 T-shirts and even more stuff around Chaktuchak market. I suffered severe leg pain after the trip. I admit I am sometimes envious of my friends who are able to go to Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan when I see the their photos on Facebook. But I am still happy with the way things are now. So I just told my hub that I don't need all these. I mean they are good to have and I didn't marry him because of these. I don't need him to buy branded bags for me, Pandora accessories (it's the 'in' thing now right?), take me to Atas restaurants etc. I am happy now because we are communicating well with each other, sharing our feelings and thoughts and spending sufficient time together. Well, I thought this is what marriage supposed to be, isn't it?
As I looked back at our marriage vows that we took when we had our ROM ceremony. There were no material needs stated in our vows. (We simple used the standard one from ROM, we didn't even had time to craft our own.) So I asked my hub what his answer was when he was asked, "Will you, Siew Tuck Wing take this woman Hoi Wan Hua to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?" He said yes. It was "I will". So I told him not to be disturbed by not giving me the material needs because he has never promised to. There is always a chance in the future if both of us want to give each other gifts. Good communication and understanding between a couple is always far more important than any material gift. (Well, I still told him to at least buy me a card for our wedding anniversary and writing something sweet inside la.)
Well, my hub might think that I am very 委屈 but seriously, I am thankful to him for always doing a lot of the household chores. Now he tells me, "Think of those reality tv shows which the mummies are not at home and the daddies take over to take care of the kids and do the chores, I'll definitely aced them!" He knows the amount of washing powder to add for different volume of clothes, changes the plastic bags in the rubbish bins, clears the fridge of unwanted or expired food, hangs the clothes to dry(although done not in a very good way but I close one eye), ensures there is constant supply of boiled water, reminds me to keep the clothes on the clothes rack after our part-time helper has ironed them etc.
People may think that I am too easily contented with life to the point maybe a bit stupid. Don't want this and that. But seriously, I already have enough (though I hope I stay in a bigger house so I can have a bigger wardrobe for my clothes, and I can earn more money to do my taobao shopping. hahaha). I have my family, an understanding and courageous husband who always talk cock and my little one who has brought us so much joy.
这就是幸福。
Friday, December 19, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER RIGHT NOW
I FEEL SO BAD! SO BAD! SO BAD!
This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place. My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place. Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.
I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends. After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.
I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.
When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying. She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.
This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place. My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place. Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.
I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends. After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.
I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.
When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying. She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
She's our daughter; She's our responsibility
Kel and I were having a discussion just now on how fast Yuxin is growing up and we were talking about how difficult she was as a baby. We then came a point whereby we were praising ourselves for being good parents as we did not have any help when Yuxin was a baby till she was 8 months old. As I quote from Kelvan, "No one was there for us when we REALLY needed help." And that I have to agree.
Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby. Hell came when the confinement lady left. I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY. I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash. What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out. Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.
Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming). We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out. We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours. We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS. Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work. Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore. I was not in a much better state either. I was always frustrated over breast-feeding. And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well. By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted. I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well. I would be crying for no reason as well. Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP. After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling. It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little. However, we were still not handling things well. There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.
We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left. After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house. On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home. I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months. Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up. When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night. Both of us no need to sleep. But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night. REALLY HARD WORK.
My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave. My mom is a very strong woman. She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either. Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her. So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me. Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."
As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help. We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house. So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby. When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes. So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours. Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest. But I don't have that luxury. Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.
Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home. Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries? And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any. Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby. 为什么别人这么好命？
After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one. It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside. Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday. However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday. However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home. I do have friends who ask me how I could do it. I don't know. I just do. ;p
Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin. She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian. When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away. Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night. Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.
Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help. It is a fact. But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us. It was a painful process. But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore." Yuxin sticks to me like glue. When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers. Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients. He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares. Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?" And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.
So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents. As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility. And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.
Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby. Hell came when the confinement lady left. I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY. I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash. What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out. Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.
Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming). We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out. We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours. We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS. Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work. Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore. I was not in a much better state either. I was always frustrated over breast-feeding. And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well. By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted. I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well. I would be crying for no reason as well. Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP. After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling. It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little. However, we were still not handling things well. There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.
We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left. After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house. On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home. I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months. Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up. When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night. Both of us no need to sleep. But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night. REALLY HARD WORK.
My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave. My mom is a very strong woman. She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either. Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her. So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me. Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."
As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help. We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house. So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby. When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes. So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours. Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest. But I don't have that luxury. Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.
Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home. Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries? And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any. Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby. 为什么别人这么好命？
After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one. It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside. Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday. However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday. However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home. I do have friends who ask me how I could do it. I don't know. I just do. ;p
Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin. She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian. When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away. Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night. Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.
Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help. It is a fact. But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us. It was a painful process. But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore." Yuxin sticks to me like glue. When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers. Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients. He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares. Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?" And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.
So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents. As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility. And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.
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