It was the last day of school. I have a pile of report books which I was getting ready to distribute to my form class. I made sure my signature was there and no errors in the remarks. I got ready the result slips that were bundled with a rubber band. Students are usually excited about receiving their result slips because they are curious what the teacher have written for their remarks. The report book signals the end of the semester and it is one the important items that students bring home to show their parents.
A few students have been informed earlier to carry the report books to the classroom. Whoever was being selected would feel so privileged to be chosen but it was mainly just an opportunity to get out of the classroom. And how many others would be so envious of that. I had a wonderful class that year. The students although not cream of the crop, were teachable and pleasant kids. And eventually, we formed a strong bond that allowed me to help and guide them in their final year in Primary school.
I distributed the report books and result slips. Usually, I get the students to slot the result slips in the pockets on their own. I mean, I have been doing this like almost 10 years that it has become the SOP for the last day of school. After which, I would remind them to get their parents to sign and to bring the report books back in Term 3. The kids were buzzing around after receiving their blue books with the updated editions when one student approached me.
“Mdm Hoi, there is an error in my English marks."
What? Again? It is common that teachers do sometimes type the marks wrongly, especially if there are errors in the marking and it could be confusing to change the marks in the system.
"Alright, I will check for you." I would have to approach my colleague for help to unlock the system to edit the marks for that kid. Sometimes, it happens but it is not a major problem if it is just a small error.
Another kid then came to me. “Mdm Hoi, my English marks are wrong." WTS!!! Another one? And one by one, the kids highlighted that their English marks are all wrong! Which means whole class is affected!!! I started to PANIC. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I'M IN DEEP SHIT. HOW??? WHY?? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHO DO I LOOK FOR HELP? WHAT IS MISSING FROM THEIR MARKS?
I was really in a state of panic but I had to remain calm in front of my class. I collected their result slips and I told them I will double check and get it fixed. I HAD TO GET IT FIXED NO MATTER WHAT. It was already the last day of school and the students would not be in school the next day. So I had only like two hours or so to rectify their marks and get their result slips reprinted. But I need my colleague's help to do that as only a few of them have the rights to unlock the system to make changes to the grades. And I need to know what is missing in their marks. I remembered I keyed in everything. Whole class affected means top management will be informed - principal and vice-principal will know of it. It is a big mistake. Any mistakes that are exam-related are BIG MISTAKES.
At that moment, I just wanted to fix the grades and to ensure that the marks are accurately reflected on the result slips. I texted my colleague to let him know of the situation. He was very very nice. He helped me check and he told me the marks from one section of the English paper was missing. WHY??? I THOUGHT I KEYED IN EVERYTHING?? He then told me to pass him the mark sheet with the correct marks. My heart was beating like crazy. My hands were trembling. I was SO SCARED. I WAS VERY VERY VERY SCARED AND I FELT REALLY VERY BAD FOR MY COLLEAGUE WHO HAD TO DO EXTRA WORK BECAUSE OF ME.
I rushed to my office table. I searched for the mark sheet for their section of the English paper. I knew I had it. I placed all the hardcopies of the mark sheets in a clear folder as backup. I searched my table and cupboard but I could not find that clear folder. WHERE DID MY FOLDER GO? I remembered that it was in the cupboard behind my chair but I just could not find it. SHIT. My heart thumped even harder that I almost fainted at that moment. I remembered I kinda saw stars here and there. My clothes were soaked with perspiration. Yes, I panicked so much that I did not realise that I broke out in cold sweat.
I was lost. I had no choice but to look for my HOD because most probably she might have the mark sheet for every level. I felt so embarrassed to tell her the situation I was in. I just felt bad that I had to trouble others because of my mistake. I was thankful that my HOD did not question me about what had happened but dived into helping me to solve my problem. She managed to find the mark sheet that I needed and I went ahead to rectify the marks in the system. Because of the situation, my HOD had to find time to look for the mark sheet and the other colleague sacrificed his free teaching periods to help me to unlock the system and did what he could to help me.
FINALLY, IT WAS DONE.
The new result slips were reprinted and distributed to the class. But my colleague told me, "As the whole class is affected, I am very sorry I have to report this to HOD and management," he said. I told him that it was okay. As long as the class got their new result slips, whatever happens after that is not an issue. At least I won't have parents complaining about me.
After class ended, I went back to my table and I was still perspiring badly. But I was really relieved that everything was over. I opened my cupboard and there it was, the folder that I was looking for was staring right in front of me. Where did it go just now? Then, I realised that I was in such a panic that I did not even see the folder with the mark sheets inside. I felt so stupid.
A few days after the incident, my supervisor (also a teacher) came over and told me that my promotion bonus in the following year will be affected due to this mistake. I don't really bother about bonus actually. I don't even keep track of the amount I had in the past years. She told me to be careful the next time when keying in marks. I was thankful that she gave me that support still.
However, I knew that many colleagues would soon get to know of this incident.
When the school holidays started, teachers have to attend school still for meetings and subject reviews. I reported to school as usual with my colleagues. I remembered I saw the agenda for that day and one part of the agenda was allocated to the Exams Committee. During that time, my school had this practice of sharing with the teaching staff the actual mistakes related to examination matters e.g. examination procedures, errors in marks etc. They wouldn't mention the names of the staff who made those mistakes. BUT by then, people would have known who they were. Sure enough, my mistake was highlighted.
My heart started thumping when I saw that PowerPoint slide that mentioned my mistake. I felt so shameful to the point I really wanted to dig a hole somewhere to hide. As the colleague told the rest about the mistake, my mind was brought back to the incident again. I WANTED TO CRY. SUDDENLY, I FELT SCARED AND THERE WERE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I STARTED TO GET BREATHLESS. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. I felt I was dealing with the situation all over again. The panic and fear were eating me up.
But I kept my composure. I did not show it and I hid it well behind a strong front. I told myself it was already over. BUT IT WAS NEVER OVER. I still questioned myself how I could make such a mistake. An experienced teacher like me should not be making such mistakes. And because of my mistake, I gave others trouble and caused inconvenience.
I WOULD NEVER IMAGINED THAT I WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY THIS INCIDENT.
In months to come, I realised that this incident was the main cause of my anxiety attacks that I struggled with in the following year which I had to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for my condition. I cried like buckets each time I talked about this incident, to my husband, my psychiatrist and psychologist and to my new supervisor in the following year. The panic and fear is still so real. Although time has allowed me to heal quite a fair bit, my tears were pouring as I typed this out. My hands are actually shaking and starting to feel numb. Every bit of the incident is still so vivid that I don't know how to make it fade away. But I know I cannot force it to fade as that will make me even more miserable.
On second thoughts, I don't understand why mistakes made had to be shared among the 100 over staff in the school. These incidents are like case studies to inform the rest so that the rest do not make the same mistakes. But do they even think of the individuals? I seriously think it might not have been so bad if it was not mentioned during the meeting. Having the mistake mentioned makes me feel that I have made an unforgivable mistake. My supervisor in the following year concluded that most likely there was no proper closure to the incident which left me feeling broken emotionally and psychologically. And subsequently, I started to get paranoid over small matters - if I have done them correctly. I started to doubt myself in many things that I do. Even things like booking hotels and air tickets for family holidays, I would double check once or twice every week that the dates are correct till the trip is over. I kept thinking that I have left out important information or keyed in the wrong information.
Taking in a deep breath...
Oh well... things are looking better after I have changed my teaching school. And since now I am on no-pay leave, I really hope I can take this time to get better.
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