Today is 31 December 2020. And it has been one year since I have wrote about my anxiety attacks. I made it known because I realised how little is known about emotional disorders and how little understanding people have towards those who are suffering from these illnesses. Right now, I have healed a lot but I am still seeing my psychologist monthly for treatment which has helped me to manage my anxiety attacks better. Yes, I still have them and I will just accept the fact that they will visit me sometimes. I had one very bad attack this year but I managed to overcome it with coping strategies that I learnt from my psychologist. I felt so proud of myself. Really. And my psychologist would remind me to give myself a pat on the back. I took relaxants only about twice this year which is a significant improvement from last year.
I was approached by a few friends who asked me about anxiety attacks. It is either they are having the attacks or their loved ones are experiencing them. I am always willing to share my experience with anyone who wants to know because I know how difficult it can be to be facing this alone, with no one being able to understand because this illness is not something that can be explained easily. It is not visible compared to physical illness or pain which makes it so hard to describe. If I fell down and fractured my leg and my leg in a cast, people will be able to understand because they are able to tell that I can't walk and I am in pain. But if I am having emotional disorder, how to show? Do I write it on my forehead to tell others? Of course cannot right. So if you have someone you know who is suffering from emotional disorders, there are really certain things to avoid saying to them.
1. Stay strong. Stay positive.
WTF!! If I could stay strong and positive, I wouldn't be suffering now isn't it? People who are suffering from anxiety attacks or depression would love to stay strong and positive. They want to but they just can't. There is just something in their heads that is preventing them to do that. That is why they need help from psychiatrist and psychologists; medication to fix the mind and coping strategies to train the mind. Telling them to stay strong and positive makes them feel worse because they feel bad that they can't do it no matter how hard they try. And this causes them to feel really lousy about themselves and it worsens their condition.
2. Everyone makes mistakes. You just have to learn from them and move on.
I have been hearing this so many times and seriously, I also want to move on. Who doesn't? Yes I have learnt from my mistakes but I just can't move on. I couldn't forgive myself for the mistake I made. The mistake is eating me up. I want to stop the mistake from eating me up but I couldn't. And being told that I have to learn from my mistakes and move on do not help because I feel lousy again because I could not do it.
3. Don't think so much. Let it go.
This is also one of the most f***ed up things to hear. If I am able not to think about it, of course I won't think right. When I have anxiety attacks, I hear a million voices in my head and I cannot control them. The self critic is pounding on me, and making me feel so terrible as a human being. I feel so upset when my self critic keeps scolding me. My tears would just flow like a tap. Then the soothing part of me is trying to outtalk my self critic, trying to stop the self critic from talking. It is really a battle in the mind and see who emerges victorious. And here you are, telling me to "don't think so much", I can tell you that the person suffering is telling you in his/her head to fuck off. Obviously, if I could let it go, I would have and not made myself suffer so much. I just don't know how.
4. Giving suggestions or providing solutions
When experiencing anxiety attacks, the person suffering is not expecting solutions to solve the problem they are worrying about. Telling them solutions won't help at all. For my case, it was more of "next time, you just double check the marks.", "next time, maybe you can try doing this or that...", "next time, just make sure you don't make this mistake anymore." This is totally not helpful!! I also know next time I won't want to make this mistake but right now, the mistake is eating me up. So right now, I am trying to manage my mind and emotions which I am having difficulty with. I am not trying to think of solutions for the future. I can't even manage the present, how to manage the future?
These are the most common things that people with emotional disorders hear and they don't know how to tell others to stop saying them because it is really hard for others to understand. And usually, emotional disorder patients just tell themselves, "It's alright. I can't blame them for not understanding. It's not easy." So what do I say to someone when he or she tell me they are experiencing anxiety attacks?
1. How are you feeling?
2. Don't be afraid. You are not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. I am here to listen.
3. Seek professional help please. At least the doctors won't judge you because they know you need help. (this is if the person has been managing it for sometime but they find it more and more difficult. By the way, not all docs are good. So need to find a suitable psychiatrist and psychologist to treat)
4. It is alright to feel this way. You are just human and there are certain things that affect us more badly than other things. At least you are acknowledging your feelings.
5. Is there anything I can help?
6. What you are feeling is not permanent. You feel terrible right now but it won't be forever. Just observe the emotions.
For me, I used a lot of Buddhism philosophy for self-treatment which is applicable to all; regardless of your religion. I read this book called "Overcoming Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh to remind me of the present. So when I have anxiety attacks, I keep bring myself back to the present.
"This fear is not my home. This fear is just a delusion. My home is here. My home is at the present." I would feel the floor under my feet, I would look around me in my house. My hands are touching whatever it is in the house to remind myself that I am SAFE. And my fear is just temporary. That will take me about 10 to 15 mins. When I am feeling a bit better, I would do something else and focus on doing it. And the fear gradually goes away.
My psychologist recently did a session with me, helping me to sort out my thoughts when I am having anxiety attacks, particularly if I am being harsh on myself. This was after I told her that I had a bad anxiety attack and I felt so lousy about myself. She reenacted the anxiety attack with me that day. She arranged three chairs; one chair for the self critic me, one chair for the feeling me; and one chair for the soothing me.
She got me to sit on the first chair "self critic" and said, "Imagine Hoi is in front you, what do you want to say to her?" It was so easy. I started to say all kinds of nasty things. "Why are you worrying so much?" "Why can't you just be like your mother who can manage everything?" "Why are you so not cooperative with your husband?" "Why are you so lousy?" And a whole lot of criticisms just flooded the room.
Next, I had to sit on the feeling chair. "How is Hoi feeling now?" For a moment, I was lost for words. I didn't know how to describe my emotions. The only thing I said was, "I am very sad." And I remembered I just cried while sitting on that chair. (At this moment, I am feeling the emotions I had that day. I stopped typing for a minute but I didn't tear.)
Eventually, I moved on to the last chair, "the soothing" chair. "What do you want to say to make Hoi feel better?" I started to use my soothing techniques that I learnt from my psychologist, and a little from Buddhism, reminding myself that emotions are not permanent.
Now that you are the soothing part of yourself, what do you want to say to the self critic?
My answer was "Just shut up! And leave Hoi alone!"
My psychologist broke into laughter. And totally agreed with me. She did a closure of the session and I left her room, feeling so much better and also knowing how to segregate the voices in my head if I do have another anxiety attack the next time.
Many people do wonder what goes on in the sessions with psychologists. My psychologist did quite a lot with me. It is not just merely talking but therapy that really helps to dig out the root cause of attacks. It takes many sessions and willingness of the patient to be able to sieve out the triggers gradually, though it could be very painful emotionally along the way. I have lost count the number of times I cried during the sessions. But each time I leave her room, I feel more reassured and confident that I am recovering well.
