In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love, with this ring I marry you.

  Just that day, my hub came to me, looked into my eyes and said, "You shouldn't be going through this, I'm sorry." I was quite surprised what he had said to me and I just told him that everything is okay and told him not to be silly. So here are the events that led to our conversation that we had that day. 


  He quit his job in March 2014 to start his own e-commerce business. When he told me about this plan last year, I fully supported him and I told him, "As long as you have made sufficient plans about your finances after you have quit your job to start this, I'll support your venture. And it's the right time to do this as our little one is only 1. Not much $$$ is needed as she does not need to go to school." He was shocked that I gave the nod so willingly as he expected me to say no.  He told me to give him a year to try it out. I knew he has always wanted to start his own business and has always been telling me about it during our dating days. He told me he was not afraid to fail. "Even if I have failed, I want to tell our daughter next time that Papa was brave enough to fulfill a dream and you should too." I admired my husband's courage and I feel that men should have that kind of courage to fulfill their dreams and to get out of their comfort zones. 


  Towards the end of last year, he was calculating how much I will need to pay for the monthly household expenses for 2014. I will have to hold the financial fort for 2014 as he will not be getting any salary. I knew I would be financially tight but luckily, our girl is not going to school yet so it was not that tough. We cut down our expenses, especially when we go out to eat. Dinner at restaurants was reduced and we try to keep our dinner bill to less than $30 or even $20 sometimes when we are out on a date (Thursdays is our dating day). Once in awhile, we would go to the restaurants and have nice meals with better ambience. My hub cut down his expenses a lot. He is more thrifty than me by nature so he really did not buy anything for himself for almost the whole year. We didn't get presents from each other on birthdays and I also did not expect any gifts from him. We would just go to a nice restaurant to celebrate our birthdays and enjoy each other's company and presence. 


  2014 was a tough year for the both of us.  I was extremely busy with work. And I would usually fall asleep with my little one at 9 plus 10 because I would be so exhausted. My hub was always working till 3 am everyday setting up his business. Being your own boss is really not easy and there was just so many things he had to learn. Of course, he made blunders along the way and had to pick himself up to move on.  Soon, we communicated less with each other, quarrelled a lot and we thought we should not even have number 2 because we could not even manage ourselves. It came to a point when I told him that there was something wrong with our marriage and we had to do something about it. Towards the third quarter of the year, we managed to work things out and we started to understand what each other is going through. 


 Why am I so tired? On top of my work, I had to assist him in his e-commerce business in photograph taking, deciding what stuff to sell, packing, labelling, stock-taking. It can take up a lot of time and I do get really really exhausted after helping him. But I tell myself, "If I don't help him, who could?" So sometimes even though I am really tried, I pushed myself to help him to the best of my ability, sometimes till wee hours. And I really lack a lot of sleep because of that. 


  So just 2 days ago, he told me he was sorry for putting me through these e.g. not being to always go to restaurants to have nice meals. And I know deep down in him, maybe he even thought that he could not take me for a holiday. The most recent place we went is Bangkok but it was more of a business trip for him as he had to source for supplies there. And we walked so much carrying 50 T-shirts and even more stuff around Chaktuchak market. I suffered severe leg pain after the trip.  I admit I am sometimes envious of my friends who are able to go to Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan when I see the their photos on Facebook. But I am still happy with the way things are now. So I just told my hub that I don't need all these. I mean they are good to have and I didn't marry him because of these. I don't need him to buy branded bags for me, Pandora accessories (it's the 'in' thing now right?), take me to Atas restaurants etc. I am happy now because we are communicating well with each other, sharing our feelings and thoughts and spending sufficient time together. Well, I thought this is what marriage supposed to be, isn't it? 


  As I looked back at our marriage vows that we took when we had our ROM ceremony. There were no material needs stated in our vows. (We simple used the standard one from ROM, we didn't even had time to craft our own.)  So I asked my hub what his answer was when he was asked, "Will you, Siew Tuck Wing take this woman Hoi Wan Hua to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?" He said yes. It was "I will". So I told him not to be disturbed by not giving me the material needs because he has never promised to.  There is always a chance in the future if both of us want to give each other gifts. Good communication and understanding between a couple is always far more important than any material gift. (Well, I still told him to at least buy me a card for our wedding anniversary and writing something sweet inside la.)


  Well, my hub might think that I am very 委屈 but seriously, I am thankful to him for always doing a lot of the household chores. Now he tells me, "Think of those reality tv shows which the mummies are not at home and the daddies take over to take care of the kids and do the chores, I'll definitely aced them!" He knows the amount of washing powder to add for different volume of clothes, changes the plastic bags in the rubbish bins, clears the fridge of unwanted or expired food, hangs the clothes to dry(although done not in a very good way but I close one eye), ensures there is constant supply of boiled water, reminds me to keep the clothes on the clothes rack after our part-time helper has ironed them etc. 


  People may think that I am too easily contented with life to the point maybe a bit stupid. Don't want this and that. But seriously, I already have enough (though I hope I stay in a bigger house so I can have a bigger wardrobe for my clothes, and I can earn more money to do my taobao shopping. hahaha). I have my family, an understanding and courageous husband who always talk cock and my little one who has brought us so much joy. 

这就是幸福。 

I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER RIGHT NOW

  I FEEL SO BAD! SO BAD! SO BAD!

  This morning, I was feeling so tired and sleepy that I simply could not wake up to take my daughter to my mom's place.  My husband accompanied her in the morning instead of me. Usually, he plays with her and takes care of her till about 9 plus and my MIL will drive over to my place.  Together, we will send her to my mom's place. But this morning, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was up till very late since last weekend, sleeping at about 2-3 am every night. This morning, the fatigue was indescribable. So when my little girl told me to get up to go to my mom's place, I told her that I was very tired and Mama needed to sleep. She cried and climbed onto my bed and said, "抱抱!" I went forward to hug her in my dreamy state and told her, "You go to 婆婆's house later with Papa. Mama will see you tonight okay? 好不好?" She gave an unwilling reply,"好." And off she went with Papa to my mom's place.

  I was out in the afternoon for a once in a while KTV session with my friends.  After KTV session that ended at about 7.30 pm, I had dinner with them and had good catchup session. Dinner ended at about I think about 9 and happily, I accompanied my friend to a spectacle shop. I have totally forgotten my promise to my little girl! I even thought that I could finally have some time to do some window shopping in town and I planned to reach home at 10 plus.

  I text my husband at about 9 plus to tell him I'll be home at about 10 plus. It was then that my hub told me that my girl was crying for me. When my husband told her that she had to go to bed at about 9 plus, she asked my husband where I was. My husband just told her that I went to work, she said,"No, no." After she realised that she was not going to see me, she started to wail. Kel told me that she looked around the house for me and cried non stop. "She cried like how she did during the first three months when she was a baby," Kel said. Okay, that was bad. During the first three months, she cried so badly till we had to close our house windows to avoid disturbing the neighbours. Eventually, she fell asleep when she got too tired.

  When Kel asked me if I told her anything, then I remembered that I actually said that I would see her tonight. Oh man! I didn't know she would actually remember! And she could understand what I was saying.  She is only 2. And now, this is eating me up. This serves as a reminder to me not to forget promises made to a child. And not to underestimate a child's memory, even if she is only 2 years old.

She's our daughter; She's our responsibility

  Kel and I were having a discussion just now on how fast Yuxin is growing up and we were talking about how difficult she was as a baby.  We then came a point whereby we were praising ourselves for being good parents as we did not have any help when Yuxin was a baby till she was 8 months old.  As I quote from Kelvan, "No one was there for us when we REALLY needed help."  And that I have to agree.

  Everything was a breeze during my confinement period as I have a confinement lady to take care of me and the baby.  Hell came when the confinement lady left.  I HAVE TOTALLY NO EXPERIENCE IN TAKING CARE OF A BABY.  I only knew that Yuxin had to drink milk every two hours and I had to burp her after that. I know that I had to change her diapers conscientiously everytime she pooped to prevent nappy rash.  What Kelvan and I didn't know was how to handle a colic, how to sleep train our baby and how to prevent baby from getting fussy when we go out.  Even worse, we didn't know what she wanted at times.

  Kelvan was in a very bad shape because he helped me out when Yuxin always started crying from 11 pm all the way to 3 plus 4 am (5-6 hours of non-stop crying and screaming).  We would take turns to carry Yuxin and Yuxin would cry her lungs out.  We had to close the windows to prevent causing disturbance to the neighbours.  We tried everything we could: Apply Ruyi oil, feed her gripe water or colic drops, burp her, swaddle her, play classical music, use white noise etc. NOTHING WORKS.  Almost everyday, Kel slept at 4 am and woke up at 7 am to go to work.  Much later he told me that once, he teared at his mom's place because he couldn't take the fatigue anymore.  I was not in a much better state either.  I was always frustrated over breast-feeding.  And Yuxin did not sleep much during the day so I don't have much rest time during the day as well.  By the time evening comes, I would be super exhausted.  I had to wake up at night to pump milk as well.  I would be crying for no reason as well.  Both of us were EXHAUSTED AND ALMOST DYING FROM EXTREME LACK OF SLEEP.  After two weeks the confinement lady left, Kelvan took a month leave to help me out upon seeing that I was struggling.  It was also during that month that I decided to stop bf totally which helped improve the situation a little.  However, we were still not handling things well.  There was no one whom we could turn to and no one offered help.

  We were determined to sleep train Yuxin after my confinement lady left.  After Yuxin grew out of her colic during the first 3 months, she had problem sleeping at night. She didn't want to sleep although she was tired. She would fuss and cry badly. So every night, and I really mean EVERY NIGHT, I would carry her in my sling and take a 1 hour walk with her at the Bishan Park just behind our block. I would walk with her till she fell asleep and walk back to my house.   On the way back, I would text Kel and he would switch off the lights and get the cot ready for the little one. Why? Yuxin will wake up when it is noisy and bright when I reached home.  I don't know why she was like that because she was not like that previously. Nevertheless, I did that every night with her to sleep train her till she was about 6 months.  Even placing her in the cot after the walk takes a lot of skill and care because she could wake up.  When she wakes up, she refuses to sleep. Then goodgame.com that night.  Both of us no need to sleep.  But my hard work paid off when I see that now, Yuxin knows she has to go to bed at 9.30 pm every night.  REALLY HARD WORK.

  My mom was still working when I was taking care of Yuxin and she promised me that she would stop working to take care of my gal after I finished my maternity and no-pay leave.  My mom is a very strong woman.  She took care of my sis and me and according to her, I was not an easy baby either.  Seriously, I think my mom expected me to be able to handle it as well as her but I guess I am not as strong as her.  So I don't really blame my mom for not coming to my aid though sometimes, I would hope she could just take a day off or something to come rescue me.  Maybe, my mom is teaching me, "She's your daughter, she's your responsibility."

  As for my in-laws, it's not convenient for me to say much so I will just stop here and won't elaborate further. So basically, we had no help.  We don't have a helper at home, only a part-time helper who comes once a week to clean up our house.  So when Kel was out at work, I'm all alone facing the baby.  When Yuxin was 4 months old, she refused to take her naps or very short naps of 15 minutes.  So when I was finally going to doze off, our little one would wake up. And there goes my nap! No more nap till the next few hours.  Sometimes, really, I just hope someone would just help me to take care of my little one for just half an hour to an hour so that I could just rest.  But I don't have that luxury.  Sometimes, Yuxin can be so difficult that I can't even bathe till the evening when my hub came back from work.

  Sometimes, I would envy those friends who had helpers at home.  Well, I guess, at least can rest for half an hour while someone carries or feeds the baby when he/she cries?  And Kel would also ask why almost friends around him had the older generation to help out when we didn't have any.  Why was it that we didn't have anyone to help us? When he asked around, he realised that many fathers never had the problem of insufficient sleep and they never had to go hands-on to take care of the baby.  为什么别人这么好命？

  After 8 months, I had to return to work and my mom stopped work and took care of my little one.  It is a very big sacrifice for my mom because she was very used to working outside.  Initially, I wanted to give my mom one day off on a Friday and to get my in laws to take care of Yuxin on a Friday.  However, towards the end of my no-pay leave, there was an unexpected change of plans and my mom willingly agreed to take care of Yuxin from Monday to Friday.  However, my mom said she would only take care of my girl during the day time which I agreed because I don't believe in only bringing back my girl only during the weekends. To Kel and me, she's our daughter and she's our responsibility so we simply can't just put her with my mom day and night throughout the 5 weekdays. So I would take Yuxin back everyday after having dinner at her place so Kel and I would still take care of Yuxin in the evening and at night. Trust me, it is not easy after a tiring day at work and still had to take care of a baby or toddler at home.  I do have friends who ask me how I could do it.  I don't know. I just do. ;p

   Right now, I am really so grateful to my mom for taking care of Yuxin.  She teaches Yuxin the good habits and she is a fantastic disciplinarian.  When I wanted to go Bangkok with Kelvan, she told me not to bring Yuxin along and she volunteered to take care of Yuxin while we were away.  Miraculously, after staying over at my mom's place, Yuxin stopped her night feeds and was able to sleep through the night.  Kel and I could always go to work rest assured that Yuxin is in good hands.

  Yes we had a very bad time when Yuxin was a baby and till now, we still have to say that no one was there for us when we REALLY needed help.  It is a fact.  But this, of course, kinda "force" to really take up the responsibility as parents and not relying on others to do the job for us.  It was a painful process.  But my mother would always tells me, "You see, when you are around, she doesn't need me anymore."  Yuxin sticks to me like glue.  When I'm around, she doesn't allow Kelvan or my mother to feed her, bathe her or change her diapers.  Maybe this "no one was there for me" was a blessing in disguise as Yuxin is very very close to me. As for Kel, he has learnt to cook meals from scratch for Yuxin e.g. Cantonese soups, congee. He would bring the little one out and do marketing with her and buy all the necessary ingredients.  He feeds Yuxin when I am not around and would boast to me that Yuxin loves the soups that he prepares.  Sometimes, I will just tell Kel to just open up the baby food and feed Yuxin if he can't cook. And Kel would say, "As a father, if I can't even learn to cook a meal for my daughter, what kind of father am I?"  And when we do hear of stories from our friends that the toddler looks for the maid or the caregiver instead of the parents when the toddler is not feeling well or upset, we know that that would not happen to us at this moment of time and we are indeed proud of ourselves.

 So while we were ending off our conversation, Kelvan said something that I would always remember.
Yes, we didn't have anyone to help us at that point of time but ultimately, we are her parents.  As her parents, she's our daughter; she's our responsibility.  And we cannot throw this responsibility to anybody else, not even to our parents.

Motherhood is more than just breastfeeding

  When I told my husband that I wanna blog about my breastfeeding experience, he was supportive and said that I should do so so that after reading my blog post, preggy mothers and  mothers who had just given birth and couldn't breastfeed due to whatever reason would not feel that they are bad mothers. And to add that I am not anti-breastfeeding but not pro either. Regardless what others say about the super pros of breastfeeding, I believe it is up to personal preference to breastfeed and one should not be an extremist in bf and thus, putting stress on others about bf.

  My experience might be slightly different from others. Most mothers can't breastfeed due to the lack of milk and some are really serious. No matter what they do(squeeze the breast till the tears come out or drinking tons of bowls of soup), there is just no milk. A few weeks after my first month, I took care of my baby alone. I don't have a maid(only a part-time maid to help me with the chores) and don't have anyone at home to help me. Thankfully after that, my hubby took 1 month leave to help me out. 

  But for me, I have the supply but not to the point that it is overflowing and I can't express milk anytime or between short periods of time. I can express about 80-100 ml by the time my girl was 1.5 months, sometimes even 130 ml. However, I do experience many bad days of insufficent milk. Usually, my girl will take breastmilk(bm) during the day and formula at night. I didn't want to go full bf because I want my girl to get used to drinking formula as well. I have heard horror stories of babies refusing all brands of formula because they are too used to drinking bm when they are much older. I express milk day and night and store them in the fridge and used them whenever my bb needs to feed. I wake up in the middle of the night to express as well. And I never use an electric pump. I use hand express because the sound of the electric pump is much TOO IRRITATING and it is SUPER DUPER SLOW. 

  So what is so horrid about this whole process? I FEEL LIKE A COW! MILKING MYSELF ALL DAY! 

You express and express and express. You don't stop. Before you know it, your breasts are engorged and you have to let it out. Any delay will lead to engorgement. Sometimes, you don't have time to express it. Baby needs attention and sometimes it requires about an hour or so to settle her down due to problems like colic. You feel tired after she has calmed down, you wanna rest but you have to go express or else your life would be hell later with engorgement. Each hand express takes about 20 minutes. If I use an electric pump, it takes a longer time.

  

The worst thing is when you are expressing milk halfway, your baby starts to cry. So now what do I do? I AM ALONE. My milk is leaking but my baby is wailing. So I had to carry the bm bottles and run to my bb to see what is happening to her. I need my hands to express milk but no hands to carry the baby! When I carry her, my bm just leaked all over and what a waste! Two words to describe this - FRUSTRATING! and STRESSFUL!


   When expressing becomes a problem(afraid baby will suddenly cry while I express), I try to latch my baby on but my girl does not get enough milk from me. When she doesn't get enough, she wails. And I had to quickly put on my clothes and rushed to the kitchen to make extra milk from formula for her. And while I prepare the milk, I can hear my baby wailing like crazy. By the time I get back to her, she is so upset that she refused to drink from the bottle. I was alone at home and I had no one to help me. I didn't know what to do and I just break down.


  I had taken extended no pay leave from work to take care of my baby.  When I started taking care of the baby after my confinement lady left, I started to regret taking leave. How am I going to last till June 2013??? It was only November 2012. I would pray that my hub will be back early everyday to help me with the  baby. And thankfully, I have a very hands-on hub who will gladly take over when I am tired or when I get frustrated. However, I was always worried that I don't produce enough milk for my baby. Although I kept reminding myself that is okay to feed my baby formula, there is always this guilt that I am not doing enough as a mother. At night, my baby will start wailing from 11 pm to 3 am which lasted for about 2 months. I am very lucky that I have a hub who will help me out during this time and looking back, I do feel a little bad about it as he had to go to wake up at 7 plus to go work at 8. It was just CRAZY.


  Then it came to December when my hub said that I was going into depression. Although my hub was around to help me in December, the whole breastfeeding thing was DRIVING ME NUTS. I seriously didn't enjoy a single bit of it. I kept telling myself that I have to just go on with it and not give up but soon, the conversation between my husband and I was always about my frustration with him not doing things right. And when my baby latched on and started wailing when she didn't get enough, I just didn't even want to look at her. Somehow, I felt that something was not right. She is my baby. I carried her for 9 months and love her so much. What was happening? My husband was so understanding with me but one day, he just told me that he really didn't know what I expect from him anymore because whatever he did, I just vented my frustration on him.


  One day, my husband asked me, "Why don't you just consider giving her formula?" But my usual answer would be, "Breastmilk is better for her. I feel like a very bad mother if I even thought of giving her formula." My hub continued, "Why should you feel bad? We gave her everything. We bought a super nice cot for her to sleep comfortably in, buy her expensive diapers, take care of her when she is upset during the wee hours at night. You think about it, the Buddha says there must be a Middle Way to everything. Just because everyone is breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to follow. Now this whole breastfeeding thing is threatening your well-being. If you are not happy, how are you going to take care of her?" What he said struck me but it was still not the trigger factor for me to stop. I told myself I want to try. I don't want to be a bad mother.

  It was that very morning that made me stop bf.  My baby wanted milk and I latched her on since my breasts were feeling full.  Right after she drank the milk, she started wailing and I got my hub to prepare some formula for her. She refused to drink from the bottle. I didn't know what to do with her and I just tried to burp her.  After awhile, she vomited all her milk and continued wailing. I was already very very exhausted that morning. I had milk all over me, I was tired and I just didn't know what to do. Immediately, I passed my baby to my husband and said, “Take her away from me. I don't want to see her." I just cried. I started whatsapping my friend who also stopped breastfeeding after awhile. She was one of the few whom I could relate to because she didn't go with the breastfeeding hype. She told me, "If you are so unhappy, just take meds and stop. This whole breastfeeding thing is causing a strain in your relationship between you and your hub, causing you to not even enjoy your moment with your baby. You think about it. If you really want to stop, you have to be determined and just do it." After calming down, in order me to get back my sanity, I decided to make the tough decision to go to my gynae that afternoon to get the meds to stop the milk supply.

  My husband supported my decision. I was still feeling bad for making such a decision but I told myself I had to do it. Once I got into the consultation room, my doc tried to persuade me to continue bfing. I told him I had tried my best and I lost the joy of having a baby due to breastfeeding. He prescribed the meds for me nevertheless.


  I didn't take the meds until late evening at about 8 pm. I did not have the courage to take the meds but the thoughts of the horrible times I had with breastfeeding motivated me. Before I took the meds, I carried my girl and spoke to her, "I'm very sorry. Mommy cannot give you anymore and I'm really sorry. From tonight onwards, you will be drinking formula all the way. But I believe you will still grow up well." My tears just rolled down as I spoke to her. (Alright, as I was typing this out, I am still tearing and my girl is already going 8 months. I think till now, I still felt bad about it). And after that, I popped the pill. Seriously, it takes more courage to stop breastfeeding than to continue.


  It was not over. I had to deal with super bad breast engorgement for the next few days to one week because I could not express the milk no matter how full my breasts felt. I had to let my body to stop producing milk. IT FELT LIKE HELL. I suffered from side effects from the meds and my hands were numb all day on the first 2 days. I couldn't sleep well and eat well due to the pain. But I told myself to endure and my hub took over baby duty for the next few days when he knew I was not feeling well. My friend kept encouraging me to just endure for a few days and after that, I will feel immense happiness.


  FINALLY, IT ENDED.


  No more expressing milk. No more latching on. No more anxiety disorder. No more crying. No more frustration. No more stress. No more depression.


  More time to play with baby. More time to appreciate my baby. More time to look at my baby. More time to bond with husband. More time to love my husband and baby. MORE JOY.

 
  Looking at my 8 month baby now, I am glad that I made the choice not to breastfeed. There might be people who might shoot me down and said that I should have continued and persisted. However, breastfeeding failed to bond my baby and me which it should. When I see my baby drinking formula, she still looked satisfied and happy and I began to see how beautiful and lovely she was.


  As my baby grew, I realised that motherhood was more than breastfeeding. It was to give the baby lots of love, patience and understanding. Whenever she fuss or cries for no reason during the wee hours, my husband will remind me to show her lots of compassion because she does not know how to tell us what she is uncomfortable with. My aunt also said that the baby struggles with the first 3 months of his life because he had to learn so many things compared to his days in the mother's womb so we have to be very patient and encouraging.


 Yes, my baby might not have all the antibodies that other breastfed babies have. My hub and I were prepared that she might fall sick more often than other babies. Well, falling sick also helps them to build up their immunity system right? But one thing we are sure is that she definitely gets all the love from my husband and me. 

What a "great" way to start the year!

Living through mid-January and February seem somewhat like an eternity to me. I felt kinda depressed during this 1.5 months, trying so super hard to recover from my super bad cough and to deal with challenges that I face at work. It was also this period that made me realise how important it is to keep my body healthy and to appreciate the time when I was healthy enough to go anywhere and to do whatever I wish to do.

My bad cough started in mid-January, around the time when everyone started preparing for Chinese New Year. I even bought much Chinese New Year goodies for my family and myself. But I did not touch any of these AT ALL!!! The cough and sore throat came together. I thought it would be the usual cough and sore throat. After the seeing the doctor, it should be much better. However, things just turn for the worse. I started losing my voice and my cough started to worsen. I was still not that worried as I have experienced that before. I went to see the doctor again but he still did not give me any antibiotics. I took about 2 days of MC to rest my voice in the hope that I will recover faster with more rest. But the cough just could not let me go. I started coughing super badly almost everyday prior to Chinese New Year, so bad that I could only sleep at 1-2 am and I had to wake up at 6 am to go to work. I also had to sleep on the mattress in my study room in order not to disturb my sis with my coughing. The throat feels so itchy and dry that I had to cough to get rid of the feeling.

The cough really took a toll on my body. On Chinese New Year eve, my body told me that it could not take it anymore. I was cooking my supper as I could not sleep due to the bad cough and I was feeling hungry too. I carried the bowl of instant noodles to the living room, hoping to watch TV as I eat my supper. But once I placed the bowl on the coffee table, I could feel my energy draining out of body. My whole body just felt weak and I had no strength even to stand. I quickly sat on the floor to rest, thinking that it would be fine after I rest for awhile. Of course things did not get better. I kinda freaked out and was wondering what was happening to me. I started to get breathless. I just had to get to my mom. I NEED HELP. I tried standing up and holding on to the cabinets and walls for support, I 'crawled' to my mom's room. When I was about to reach there, my body just collapsed onto the floor. I just called out to my mom in cantonese. "Ma, I cannot move! I have no strength!" My whole family woke up at that moment when they heard me. My mom of course freaked out. "What happened? Why don't you have strength?" My dad quickly carried me and got me to sit against the wall. I was already tearing. I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. "My fingers and arms are numb. My face is numb!" My mom started massaging my fingers and said, "Don't scare me ok? Why are your fingers numb? What happened? Why like that?" Luckily, my sister was calm and she quickly went to get a cup of warm water for me. "Everything's fine, don't think of so many things. You must keep telling yourself that everything's ok." Slowly, I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. After about 15 minutes (I think), the numbness started to go away. My mom thought I was too hungry (I didn't eat much for reunion dinner) which caused me to collapse. My mother helped me to the kitchen. I sat in the kitchen and I slowly drank the cup of warm water. I could feel the kitchen spinning around me for about a minute. I closed my eyes and things got better. I finished half of the bowl of noodles after that. My sister told me to sleep in the bedroom and she slept in the study room. After I got ready to go to bed, then they went to bed.

The first day of Chinese New Year didn't seem to be filled with joy at all. Morning was still fine until afternoon came. I was at my uncle's house and watching the TV when I suddenly felt weak again. Worried that whatever that happened the previous day would happen again, I just quickly close my eyes to rest. I think I dozed off (I was really tired!) and I woke up after about 20-30 minutes. I went ahead to play games with my aunts and cousins but it was just to pass time. My body was feeling tired throughout the day and I didn't feel like playing at all. I was still coughing throughout the day.

On the second day of Chinese New Year, my husband brought me to TTSH for a health check-up. Everything's normal which is good news. At about 9 plus at night, my mom made Ginger soup with pork slices for me. Ginger seems to be good at soothing the itchy throat and I certainly felt better after drinking it. I also seem to cough less and my voice seem to get better. However, I get easily tired and work was also piling up. I even thought of taking no pay medical leave though I know it's silly. It was only a cough. I didn't even feel like going out during the weekends and I had no mood to do anything.

One Wednesday, I started to have a slight throat discomfort again. It seems that I need to go through another round of this illness again. I started coughing again after 2 days. Phlegm build up and soon, my throat became really dry and itchy. And I started losing sleep again due to the bad cough. In no time, I lost my voice again. I had to take 2 days MC AGAIN. I was really getting depressed during this period of time, not knowing when I will recover. I am always lethargic and not able to do work for long period of time. Losing my voice the second time made me so upset. People who knew me well would know that my voice is one of the most important things in my life. Before I went to see doctor another time, I sat in my room and cried. I was really trying so hard to recover, not eating anything that was spicy and fried. I drank manuka honey. I slept early every night. I tried soup based food. BUT I JUST COULD NOT GET WELL. There was once in the office at work station that I suddenly felt energy draining out from my body again. For a moment, I could not even hold the pen. I put my head on the table and rested for awhile. Luckily, I felt better. I even looked around to see if there were any colleagues nearby in case I needed their help.

I also felt bad disturbing my family members with my coughing. My cough can really be loud and it can go on incessantly. They couldn't sleep quite well because of it and I was upset. They did complain a bit but there was nothing I could do. My hubby told me that I cannot sleep on the mattress in the study room as the mattress is too thin. My body feels cold and it will cause my cough to worsen. I can't sleep in my bedroom as I share room with my sis. And sleeping in the living room can also disturb my parents. At that moment, I just thought, "There's no place in the house that I can sleep." DEPRESSING.

Some of my colleagues suggested to me to see a TCM physician. I decided to give it a try since the western doctor could not do anything but to tell me to rest my voice. I went to the physician at Bishan area. The physician was pretty knowledgeable and she was able to tell me the causes of the loss of my voice and the itchy throat. She says there was too much wind in my body, especially in my throat. The wind causes the throat to be dry and itchy. There was also phlegm which causes the passageway to be blocked which causes me to lose voice and breathless as well. She gave me medicine to get rid of the phlegm to get rid of the wind.

The medicine was really pretty effective!! After taking the medicine two times, I started running to the toilet. And during the period which I took the medicine, my body was letting out wind ALL THE TIME. And I had to run to the toilet more often. I guess the medicine helped me to clear all the toxins. My cough got better, at least, I was able to sleep at night. She advised me to see her again even if the coughing is reduced. I went to see her again last week and I also did feedback to her that I felt better. At least, I don't get breathless easily. She changed the medicine for me and hopefully, I don't have to see her again after that consultation.

Right now, I can feel my voice slowly coming back. And I could sing!!! HURRAY! Just that I still can't reach the high notes. My throat doesn't get itchy so easily unless I'm in an air-conditioned room. I continued taking the medication and drinking manuka honey. I'm so glad that this cough is FINALLY COMING TO AN END. AND MY VOICE IS FINALLY COMING BACK. This 1.5 month really seems like an eternity to me. Now, I realise how good and important it is to be healthy. I could kinda understand how people who are sick with serious illnesses feel. My cough is nothing compared to them. But 1.5 months to me is really painful. Those who had to go through months of therapy and treatment must be worst. Really, you need to be really positive when your body is not well to move on with life. It's really not easy.

A sense of security

I always have a concern about whether I would be able to conceive in the future. Why is this so?? Because I was told that I always have a weak body constitution. So my mother would always make herbal soup to build up my body constitution. She always reminds me that it will really be sad if I can't conceive and have a baby of my own. Whenever I go to the sinseh, she would comment that my feet turns cold easily in an air conditioned room. But my feet feels really cold!!! I kinda believe what the sinseh says and she would give me some advice on the tonics that I can take and other ways to build up my body constitution.

My husband has always been telling me that it's perfectly fine if I really could not conceive but I could never be assured. What's more, one of my relatives, X, once kept saying that it's a pity if woman can't conceive. "女人不能怀孕佷惨的!" Although I told X that my husband didn't mind, she kept repeating herself and said that this is what the husband would normally say but they would want to have children. And not being able to have children is like the end of the world. I was pretty disturbed by that and this was always etched in my mind. Of course, it didn't make me feel better at all.

Just recently, when I was having Shabu Shabu with my husband, we came to talk about this topic. At one moment, he just held my hand, looked into my eyes and said, "Dear, don't worry if you can't conceive in the future. I marry you not for the sake of having children. We can always keep dogs if we don't have children. So please don't worry about it and I want you to know that this is really how I feel." My heart melted when he said that. Then I realised that I really do not have to matter about what others say. I have my husband's support.

Nevertheless, I continue to take tonics once a month and also to make a point to build up my body's constitution. And after talking to my friends and my cousin, Zoey, about it, I felt better and I know that I still stand a chance to have children. I would of course still hope that I am able to conceive one day.

There's just something in me...

This is my very first blog post for this blog. Well, from the title, it just meant that this blog will be about the ups and downs of my life. It could have passed but still lingering somewhere in my heart and mind which I just could not let go. Can be super happy moments or downright sad. Haz, yes, I'm EMO!!! I am rather EMO la but still not the worst kind. I am just easily attached to things which is no good at all.

Anyway, I was talking to my hubby through the phone and for some reason, I was talking about an incident that happened like 5 years ago which I still felt bitter about. 5 YEARS!!! Still trying to detach.... but hard it seems. Because I had no idea or did not understand why it happened. And what the reason was.

Okay, the whole incident happened on the day I was running for some position in a school organisation, let us just call it ABC club. Prior to that, we were supposed to fill up a CV, something like resume, to write down some of our experiences and skills we have which make us suitable to run for that position. Being a super sua koo student who has no idea how to fill up a resume form, just took it that I just had to list down whatever experiences I have that are more or less related to that position. Just to add that there was no clear instructions given on how to fill up that form too. I wrote down everything which was quite a long list.

Well at that time, I was involved in activities outside of the ABC club that were somewhat related to what I do in there. And because I was quite active, many people came to know about me but seriously, I did it out of passion which was singing and writing songs and not because I wanted to be popular. I was happy doing it and I also enjoy singing and writing songs for the ABC club as well.

On that actual day before the election, I was approached by two friends, X and Y (they are also in ABC club), who said that they wanted to talk to me. I couldn't remember exactly what they have said but it was something like "Some people feel that u're a bit too full of yourself because of your activities outside." Basically, they were trying to tell me not to be proud and to check the way I present myself. My heart just sank at that moment. I felt so mistaken!!!! I tried to explain myself but it seemed that it didn't help. We talked for a long long time (think 30 min?) and in the end, I could not control my emotions and my tears just rolled down. Then they got a bit kan cheong and tried to comfort me which did not help at all. The damage was done.

I WAS DEVASTATED. UPSET. FELT REALLY WRONGED TILL NOW.

Well, I believe they came to tell me about this so that I would better prepare my speech and would not show that I am trying to yaya. I have never thought to yaya at all from the start. NEVER AT ALL. What's there to yaya about anyway? As usual, I gave my speech and went through the normal procedure. I was elected. so what? I didn't feel happy at all. Every word of congrats that came to me was meaningless. Still, I didn't want to spoil the happy mood of others and continued pretending to look happy, feel okay and congratulated.

I also found out that the person in charge edited my CV that was pasted around the lecture hall( it was to allow people to know what I've done for the club) and deleted the activities that were not organised within the club. Well, maybe from the CV I have given them, they felt that I was a yaya to list down everything. HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW LA! No clear instructions and they also never inform that they have edited my CV or to tell me that I need not put down everything.

I was so upset that I called my boyfriend then (now hubby liao). He knew something was wrong and came to fetch me in a cab after everything ended. When I started talking to him about it, I started crying... non-stop. Why so? Because I felt so so mistaken! And it seemed that no one in the club understood. To me, it was just my passion and I enjoyed helping out in the club as much as I could. I stayed back at many of the events till 11 pm to help out and reaching home at 12 plus in the morning and the next day, I still had to climb out of my bed and spend another 1.5 hrs going to school. I dare to say that I volunteered unselfishly as I never expected anything in return. I don't even need the CCA points to get me to stay in the hostel coz I don't stay in the hostel. I am not trying to brag that I did a lot. Some members did even more. But there are just some who mistook my intention and got my good friends, X and Y to so-called break the news to me. What's that for??? Don't they have the guts to tell me directly? I was disappointed with ABC club at that point of time.

I continued to serve the club despite all these because I wanted to continue my passion. I can't deny that it was a good learning experience for me. Most of the memories I had from ABC club were wonderful. But that incident was deeply etched in my mind and the bitterness was just covered by some other emotions in my heart temporarily. Whilst talking to my hubby that day about it again, the bitterness just uncovered itself and the feeling was terrible. I was kinda disappointed with myself that I could even let go of something that happened so donkey years ago.