My experience might be slightly different from others. Most mothers can't breastfeed due to the lack of milk and some are really serious. No matter what they do(squeeze the breast till the tears come out or drinking tons of bowls of soup), there is just no milk. A few weeks after my first month, I took care of my baby alone. I don't have a maid(only a part-time maid to help me with the chores) and don't have anyone at home to help me. Thankfully after that, my hubby took 1 month leave to help me out.
But for me, I have the supply but not to the point that it is overflowing and I can't express milk anytime or between short periods of time. I can express about 80-100 ml by the time my girl was 1.5 months, sometimes even 130 ml. However, I do experience many bad days of insufficent milk. Usually, my girl will take breastmilk(bm) during the day and formula at night. I didn't want to go full bf because I want my girl to get used to drinking formula as well. I have heard horror stories of babies refusing all brands of formula because they are too used to drinking bm when they are much older. I express milk day and night and store them in the fridge and used them whenever my bb needs to feed. I wake up in the middle of the night to express as well. And I never use an electric pump. I use hand express because the sound of the electric pump is much TOO IRRITATING and it is SUPER DUPER SLOW.
So what is so horrid about this whole process? I FEEL LIKE A COW! MILKING MYSELF ALL DAY!
You express and express and express. You don't stop. Before you know it, your breasts are engorged and you have to let it out. Any delay will lead to engorgement. Sometimes, you don't have time to express it. Baby needs attention and sometimes it requires about an hour or so to settle her down due to problems like colic. You feel tired after she has calmed down, you wanna rest but you have to go express or else your life would be hell later with engorgement. Each hand express takes about 20 minutes. If I use an electric pump, it takes a longer time.
The worst thing is when you are expressing milk halfway, your baby starts to cry. So now what do I do? I AM ALONE. My milk is leaking but my baby is wailing. So I had to carry the bm bottles and run to my bb to see what is happening to her. I need my hands to express milk but no hands to carry the baby! When I carry her, my bm just leaked all over and what a waste! Two words to describe this - FRUSTRATING! and STRESSFUL!
When expressing becomes a problem(afraid baby will suddenly cry while I express), I try to latch my baby on but my girl does not get enough milk from me. When she doesn't get enough, she wails. And I had to quickly put on my clothes and rushed to the kitchen to make extra milk from formula for her. And while I prepare the milk, I can hear my baby wailing like crazy. By the time I get back to her, she is so upset that she refused to drink from the bottle. I was alone at home and I had no one to help me. I didn't know what to do and I just break down.
I had taken extended no pay leave from work to take care of my baby. When I started taking care of the baby after my confinement lady left, I started to regret taking leave. How am I going to last till June 2013??? It was only November 2012. I would pray that my hub will be back early everyday to help me with the baby. And thankfully, I have a very hands-on hub who will gladly take over when I am tired or when I get frustrated. However, I was always worried that I don't produce enough milk for my baby. Although I kept reminding myself that is okay to feed my baby formula, there is always this guilt that I am not doing enough as a mother. At night, my baby will start wailing from 11 pm to 3 am which lasted for about 2 months. I am very lucky that I have a hub who will help me out during this time and looking back, I do feel a little bad about it as he had to go to wake up at 7 plus to go work at 8. It was just CRAZY.
Then it came to December when my hub said that I was going into depression. Although my hub was around to help me in December, the whole breastfeeding thing was DRIVING ME NUTS. I seriously didn't enjoy a single bit of it. I kept telling myself that I have to just go on with it and not give up but soon, the conversation between my husband and I was always about my frustration with him not doing things right. And when my baby latched on and started wailing when she didn't get enough, I just didn't even want to look at her. Somehow, I felt that something was not right. She is my baby. I carried her for 9 months and love her so much. What was happening? My husband was so understanding with me but one day, he just told me that he really didn't know what I expect from him anymore because whatever he did, I just vented my frustration on him.
One day, my husband asked me, "Why don't you just consider giving her formula?" But my usual answer would be, "Breastmilk is better for her. I feel like a very bad mother if I even thought of giving her formula." My hub continued, "Why should you feel bad? We gave her everything. We bought a super nice cot for her to sleep comfortably in, buy her expensive diapers, take care of her when she is upset during the wee hours at night. You think about it, the Buddha says there must be a Middle Way to everything. Just because everyone is breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to follow. Now this whole breastfeeding thing is threatening your well-being. If you are not happy, how are you going to take care of her?" What he said struck me but it was still not the trigger factor for me to stop. I told myself I want to try. I don't want to be a bad mother.
It was that very morning that made me stop bf. My baby wanted milk and I latched her on since my breasts were feeling full. Right after she drank the milk, she started wailing and I got my hub to prepare some formula for her. She refused to drink from the bottle. I didn't know what to do with her and I just tried to burp her. After awhile, she vomited all her milk and continued wailing. I was already very very exhausted that morning. I had milk all over me, I was tired and I just didn't know what to do. Immediately, I passed my baby to my husband and said, “Take her away from me. I don't want to see her." I just cried. I started whatsapping my friend who also stopped breastfeeding after awhile. She was one of the few whom I could relate to because she didn't go with the breastfeeding hype. She told me, "If you are so unhappy, just take meds and stop. This whole breastfeeding thing is causing a strain in your relationship between you and your hub, causing you to not even enjoy your moment with your baby. You think about it. If you really want to stop, you have to be determined and just do it." After calming down, in order me to get back my sanity, I decided to make the tough decision to go to my gynae that afternoon to get the meds to stop the milk supply.
My husband supported my decision. I was still feeling bad for making such a decision but I told myself I had to do it. Once I got into the consultation room, my doc tried to persuade me to continue bfing. I told him I had tried my best and I lost the joy of having a baby due to breastfeeding. He prescribed the meds for me nevertheless.
I didn't take the meds until late evening at about 8 pm. I did not have the courage to take the meds but the thoughts of the horrible times I had with breastfeeding motivated me. Before I took the meds, I carried my girl and spoke to her, "I'm very sorry. Mommy cannot give you anymore and I'm really sorry. From tonight onwards, you will be drinking formula all the way. But I believe you will still grow up well." My tears just rolled down as I spoke to her. (Alright, as I was typing this out, I am still tearing and my girl is already going 8 months. I think till now, I still felt bad about it). And after that, I popped the pill. Seriously, it takes more courage to stop breastfeeding than to continue.
It was not over. I had to deal with super bad breast engorgement for the next few days to one week because I could not express the milk no matter how full my breasts felt. I had to let my body to stop producing milk. IT FELT LIKE HELL. I suffered from side effects from the meds and my hands were numb all day on the first 2 days. I couldn't sleep well and eat well due to the pain. But I told myself to endure and my hub took over baby duty for the next few days when he knew I was not feeling well. My friend kept encouraging me to just endure for a few days and after that, I will feel immense happiness.
FINALLY, IT ENDED.
No more expressing milk. No more latching on. No more anxiety disorder. No more crying. No more frustration. No more stress. No more depression.
More time to play with baby. More time to appreciate my baby. More time to look at my baby. More time to bond with husband. More time to love my husband and baby. MORE JOY.
Looking at my 8 month baby now, I am glad that I made the choice not to breastfeed. There might be people who might shoot me down and said that I should have continued and persisted. However, breastfeeding failed to bond my baby and me which it should. When I see my baby drinking formula, she still looked satisfied and happy and I began to see how beautiful and lovely she was.
As my baby grew, I realised that motherhood was more than breastfeeding. It was to give the baby lots of love, patience and understanding. Whenever she fuss or cries for no reason during the wee hours, my husband will remind me to show her lots of compassion because she does not know how to tell us what she is uncomfortable with. My aunt also said that the baby struggles with the first 3 months of his life because he had to learn so many things compared to his days in the mother's womb so we have to be very patient and encouraging.
Yes, my baby might not have all the antibodies that other breastfed babies have. My hub and I were prepared that she might fall sick more often than other babies. Well, falling sick also helps them to build up their immunity system right? But one thing we are sure is that she definitely gets all the love from my husband and me.
When expressing becomes a problem(afraid baby will suddenly cry while I express), I try to latch my baby on but my girl does not get enough milk from me. When she doesn't get enough, she wails. And I had to quickly put on my clothes and rushed to the kitchen to make extra milk from formula for her. And while I prepare the milk, I can hear my baby wailing like crazy. By the time I get back to her, she is so upset that she refused to drink from the bottle. I was alone at home and I had no one to help me. I didn't know what to do and I just break down.
I had taken extended no pay leave from work to take care of my baby. When I started taking care of the baby after my confinement lady left, I started to regret taking leave. How am I going to last till June 2013??? It was only November 2012. I would pray that my hub will be back early everyday to help me with the baby. And thankfully, I have a very hands-on hub who will gladly take over when I am tired or when I get frustrated. However, I was always worried that I don't produce enough milk for my baby. Although I kept reminding myself that is okay to feed my baby formula, there is always this guilt that I am not doing enough as a mother. At night, my baby will start wailing from 11 pm to 3 am which lasted for about 2 months. I am very lucky that I have a hub who will help me out during this time and looking back, I do feel a little bad about it as he had to go to wake up at 7 plus to go work at 8. It was just CRAZY.
Then it came to December when my hub said that I was going into depression. Although my hub was around to help me in December, the whole breastfeeding thing was DRIVING ME NUTS. I seriously didn't enjoy a single bit of it. I kept telling myself that I have to just go on with it and not give up but soon, the conversation between my husband and I was always about my frustration with him not doing things right. And when my baby latched on and started wailing when she didn't get enough, I just didn't even want to look at her. Somehow, I felt that something was not right. She is my baby. I carried her for 9 months and love her so much. What was happening? My husband was so understanding with me but one day, he just told me that he really didn't know what I expect from him anymore because whatever he did, I just vented my frustration on him.
One day, my husband asked me, "Why don't you just consider giving her formula?" But my usual answer would be, "Breastmilk is better for her. I feel like a very bad mother if I even thought of giving her formula." My hub continued, "Why should you feel bad? We gave her everything. We bought a super nice cot for her to sleep comfortably in, buy her expensive diapers, take care of her when she is upset during the wee hours at night. You think about it, the Buddha says there must be a Middle Way to everything. Just because everyone is breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to follow. Now this whole breastfeeding thing is threatening your well-being. If you are not happy, how are you going to take care of her?" What he said struck me but it was still not the trigger factor for me to stop. I told myself I want to try. I don't want to be a bad mother.
It was that very morning that made me stop bf. My baby wanted milk and I latched her on since my breasts were feeling full. Right after she drank the milk, she started wailing and I got my hub to prepare some formula for her. She refused to drink from the bottle. I didn't know what to do with her and I just tried to burp her. After awhile, she vomited all her milk and continued wailing. I was already very very exhausted that morning. I had milk all over me, I was tired and I just didn't know what to do. Immediately, I passed my baby to my husband and said, “Take her away from me. I don't want to see her." I just cried. I started whatsapping my friend who also stopped breastfeeding after awhile. She was one of the few whom I could relate to because she didn't go with the breastfeeding hype. She told me, "If you are so unhappy, just take meds and stop. This whole breastfeeding thing is causing a strain in your relationship between you and your hub, causing you to not even enjoy your moment with your baby. You think about it. If you really want to stop, you have to be determined and just do it." After calming down, in order me to get back my sanity, I decided to make the tough decision to go to my gynae that afternoon to get the meds to stop the milk supply.
My husband supported my decision. I was still feeling bad for making such a decision but I told myself I had to do it. Once I got into the consultation room, my doc tried to persuade me to continue bfing. I told him I had tried my best and I lost the joy of having a baby due to breastfeeding. He prescribed the meds for me nevertheless.
I didn't take the meds until late evening at about 8 pm. I did not have the courage to take the meds but the thoughts of the horrible times I had with breastfeeding motivated me. Before I took the meds, I carried my girl and spoke to her, "I'm very sorry. Mommy cannot give you anymore and I'm really sorry. From tonight onwards, you will be drinking formula all the way. But I believe you will still grow up well." My tears just rolled down as I spoke to her. (Alright, as I was typing this out, I am still tearing and my girl is already going 8 months. I think till now, I still felt bad about it). And after that, I popped the pill. Seriously, it takes more courage to stop breastfeeding than to continue.
It was not over. I had to deal with super bad breast engorgement for the next few days to one week because I could not express the milk no matter how full my breasts felt. I had to let my body to stop producing milk. IT FELT LIKE HELL. I suffered from side effects from the meds and my hands were numb all day on the first 2 days. I couldn't sleep well and eat well due to the pain. But I told myself to endure and my hub took over baby duty for the next few days when he knew I was not feeling well. My friend kept encouraging me to just endure for a few days and after that, I will feel immense happiness.
FINALLY, IT ENDED.
No more expressing milk. No more latching on. No more anxiety disorder. No more crying. No more frustration. No more stress. No more depression.
More time to play with baby. More time to appreciate my baby. More time to look at my baby. More time to bond with husband. More time to love my husband and baby. MORE JOY.
Looking at my 8 month baby now, I am glad that I made the choice not to breastfeed. There might be people who might shoot me down and said that I should have continued and persisted. However, breastfeeding failed to bond my baby and me which it should. When I see my baby drinking formula, she still looked satisfied and happy and I began to see how beautiful and lovely she was.
As my baby grew, I realised that motherhood was more than breastfeeding. It was to give the baby lots of love, patience and understanding. Whenever she fuss or cries for no reason during the wee hours, my husband will remind me to show her lots of compassion because she does not know how to tell us what she is uncomfortable with. My aunt also said that the baby struggles with the first 3 months of his life because he had to learn so many things compared to his days in the mother's womb so we have to be very patient and encouraging.
Yes, my baby might not have all the antibodies that other breastfed babies have. My hub and I were prepared that she might fall sick more often than other babies. Well, falling sick also helps them to build up their immunity system right? But one thing we are sure is that she definitely gets all the love from my husband and me.
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